Page 199 of Goodbye Note

“Can’t?” he asked.

“No, it’s not mine to tell, but don’t ever fucking let me come face to face with Lindsay again.”

“Why?” His worry turned to shock.

“Because I swear to fucking god, I will wrap my hands around her throat to watch the life go out of her eyes. I’m not joking. I’m not exaggerating. I will kill that piece of shit.”

Ser didn’t say anything for a long moment, caught off guard. “What could she have done to someone you don’t even like to cause that reaction?”

“I may not like him, but I love him. And that cunt needs to be six feet under the ground.” I shook with my rage.

“Fuck. So should I get Kiernan and tell him we’re going to need help hiding a body?”

“Maybe. He might be too much of a liability.”

“You’re right. We’ll get Koa and Hael.” He rubbed my back lightly.

“Koa might try to kill her first. You have to tell him no. He doesn’t listen to me.”

I slept. Which was shocking for me. I think I was too emotionally drained, and my brain powered down.

I avoided Varian for days.

Because I didn’t know how to look him in the eyes.

I didn’t know how to handle his assault without getting angry, and I felt horrible because what fucking right did I have to be angry? And I felt guilty for being mad at him. Why wasn’t he angry? How did he play happy family? How did he live with her? How did he sleep with her?

I knew it wasn’t my place to be mad.

And worst of all, I hated myself for closing my eyes late at night and reliving the kiss while I fucked my hand. I burned every detail into memory. The way his hand felt against my cheek.

His tongue and teeth.

The need in his gasps.

all these pent-up feelings keeping me warm through the apriL showers.

i can’t stOp thinking about ghosts.

maybe i should stop chasing them.

or maybe i should just get another Variation of the same tattoo.

maybe a trip to the chEmist would fix my brain.

At my very lowest, I thought about how easy it would be to go find him, drag him back to one of our buses, and fuck him.

Take what was mine back.

* * *

“I need a lobotomy,” I announced at breakfast.

“We can get matching lobotomies, so I don’t have to listen to Kiernan bitch anymore.” Hael took a heavy seat across from me.

“What’s up his ass?” Ser asked, flipping through the menu.

“Our PR firm.” Hael picked through the jelly.

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