Page 200 of Goodbye Note

“Pass me a grape,” Ser said.

I poked my fork at him. “Don’t even start with me.”

“Touchy.” Ser took the grape jelly Hael passed him. “I’m going to take you to a brothel when we play Vegas so you can release some stress.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.” I cringed, knowing I wouldn’t be able to get hard for anyone else.

“Can you imagine?” Koa giggled behind his hand. “He would hate you so much, and he’d be awkward as fuck.”

I almost couldn’t be mad watching the giant man who most people were scared of full-on giggling.

I flipped them all off. “I should have quit the band before this stupid-ass tour.”

* * *

When we got back to the venue, Varian was there.

“Can I talk to you for a sec?”

I hesitated.

“Just a sec. Please?”

I exhaled. “Sure.”

“Come to my bus?”

He closed the door behind us, and I awkwardly stood in the middle of the front lounge.

“Sit, please.”

“I don’t want to sit.” I tucked my hands in my pockets, telling myself it didn’t matter what my revenge fantasies were, I could not jump him.

He shoved a hand into his hair. “Please don’t tell anyone that story. I know I have no right to ask you for anything after what I’ve done, but I really do want to protect my child.”

I stared at him. “I would never.”

“Thank you. Nova means the world to me?—”

I cut him off. “Not for Nova. I would never do that to you. Your trauma is yours. I wouldn’t ever betray you.”

He dropped his chin, shoulders sagging. “Thank you.”

“Why did you marry her?” I finally asked. “How could you?”

“My head wasn’t good. And when you wouldn’t tell me not to, I convinced myself you hated me and wanted me to suffer. I thought I deserved it. That’s why I tried to make it work so long with her.” His sadness killed me.

“I didn’t hate you. Much the opposite. I was still desperately in love with you, and I knew if I didn’t completely remove myself from your life, you’d never give your marriage a real shot. If I had known…” I felt hollow.

“Maybe it was my penance for what I did.”

“You can’t actually believe that.”

“It feels that way.” His head hung.

“You need to speak to someone.” My chest ached. He needed to see this wasn’t his fault.

“I’m sorry.” Varian turned away from me, rubbing the back of his neck.

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