Page 198 of Goodbye Note

My chest heaved. Everything he wanted me to tell him sat on the tip of my tongue. But all the words died there. I knew I couldn’t forgive him. He had a kid. He should be with her.

We were a word from making it work, but I was a missed pill away from falling apart. Why did I think showing up here would make me get over him?

“That’s what I thought.” He closed his eyes. “You’ll never forgive me.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Why do you answer the phone when I call?” He cupped my cheek. “Why do you come when I call?”

“Because I love you.”

He took a shuddering breath, resting his forehead against mine. “Please ask me not to go through with this. I need you to say it.”

“I can’t.” It wasn’t my place.

“Please, Arik.” He rubbed his thumb over my face, and in that instant, I regretted every choice we’d ever made.

I regretted not quitting.

I regretted not fighting for us.

I knew I’d never get over him.

But I couldn’t be selfish anymore.

He had a kid.

How could one summer ruin the rest of my life? Why did I still love someone who left me a decade ago? I wish any of it made sense. But the summer of love and loss would forever be a stain on my heart that colored any other love.

Love shouldn’t be compared as it’s all different, but how do you settle for a pittance after having the universe?

I can’t unsee or unfeel those moments.

He permanently changed my brain chemistry, and I know I’ll never be the same.

Why the fuck did he have to still haunt me?

I got another ghost tattoo that night. One carrying a water molecule. Then I posted on my blog and blocked him on everything. I blocked the rest of his band and everyone else I could think of, so he had no way of contacting me.

Tonight I’m drowning with my feet on dry land.

Love is like dying a thousand deaths, each one more painful than the last, and you don’t even get the sweet oblivion of peace.

I’d do anything to get back to July and live on repeat.

* * *

I don’t know how I made it to the bus. I felt sucked dry.

When I found Ser sitting in the front lounge, I laid my head in his lap.

“Want to talk about it? Or do you just want comfort?” He pushed his fingers into my hair.

“I don’t even know what to say.” My entire body shuddered in a sob.

“What did he say to you in there?” Worry came through Ser’s voice.

“I can’t talk about it.” I pressed my face into his stomach.

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