Page 197 of Goodbye Note

“Why didn't you call if you still loved me? Before Nova. All those years. Every time I’d call you to meet me…” I never could figure out why he’d fly halfway around the world to fuck for a night and then leave in the morning. No calls. No texts. Sex and out.

“If you were willing to leave me once, you’d keep doing it. I wasn’t going to talk someone into being with me, and that’s how I convinced myself you didn’t love me like I loved you. Because I couldn’t have left you.” Arik’s voice was empty. It hurt as much as his words.

“It’s a different kind of love. I did it because I loved you and didn’t want to ruin your life. I put you over me.” I knew he’d never understand, but I wished he would.

“Bull-fucking-shit.” He lifted his hands like they’d fit around my neck but he balled them into fists instead. “This fucking tour… We can’t spend months together.”

He moved to get past me, but I stepped with him to block.

“We have to figure it out. We have to figure out how to deal with each other at least until it’s finished.” A part of me hoped that if we could get this out, it would make it at least tolerable to be around each other.

“I can’t.”

“Why not? I’m hurt too, and I can.”I’d give anything for more time with him. Even as friends.

“Because I can’t be in a room with you without needing to touch you. I realized at your wedding I had to completely take myself out of your life because you never would. Every time you called, I was there. Every time you offered. I can’t say no to you.” He pressed his eyes closed.

I ran through what he said, matching it to all the one-night stands we’d had with each other over the years. He’d never initiated but always came.

“So touch me.” I cupped his cheek, stepping into him.

His lips parted, and I inhaled his breath. “Varian.”

“Stardust.” Air squeezed out of my lungs as I brought my mouth to his.

Arik kissed me in a gentle caress, and we had a whole conversation without words. Hopeful and devastating. I was delicate so as to not break the spell.

Tongues slid past lips.He grabbed the back of my neck, and the tender kiss turned demanding, claiming, intoxicating.

A low sound filled my throat, and my grip tightened on him. Every muscle in my body was tightly coiled, like a wire twisted too tight. Too many years of famine made me bleed desperation.

Arik threw me off, gasping for oxygen. “I can’t do this. We can’t fall back into this. You’re married.” He held up a hand when I tried to speak or grab him again. “Don’t make me do this. It’s too much.”

I checked his journal when I got back to my bus.

Reminder to self:

You get used to all kinds of pain you didn’t think you could live through.

Second reminder:

I’ve tried every generic to feel the same effect.

But there’s nothing like molecules arranged like yours.

FIFTY-FIVE

ARIK

I realized what he’d said to me before his wedding made sense.

I’d been so hurt.

He’d made me incapable of loving anyone else, so I’d always struggled with that night.

I finally understood it.

“Tell me not to marry her, or tell me I’m not stupid for flying halfway around the world to chase our memories. Tell me fucking anything to make me not do this.” Varian was too close, the casual intimacy we’d had since Warped impossible to rid ourselves of.

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