Page 196 of Goodbye Note

I didn’t bother to yell at him to wait and took the stairs two at a time, telling myself to thank my trainer later.

I got in front of him. “Please stop.”

“Move, Varian. I’m so mad, you don’t want to be around me right now.” His cheeks were wet and his eyes red.

“Don’t go do something stupid.”

“What the fuck kind of stupid thing am I going to do in a venue?” He had a point.

“I don’t know. But I don’t want you to be alone,” I pleaded.

“Is that why you had the breakdown?”He shuddered an exhale.

“Partly.”

“You getting married fucking broke me. I’ve not been able to date anyone since we broke up. I can’t fucking love anyone else, and I was so mad you could.”His chest heaved, filled with emotions.

Every word hit me like a knife, carving through all the anger I’d manufactured for him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. I wanted to when you showed up for the wedding, but I couldn’t talk about it.”

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” He didn’t ask unkindly.

“Couldn’t. I couldn’t say it or even talk about it. Then I was embarrassed. It made me physically sick to even think about it.” My hands shook and my forehead got clammy.

“Then why did you marry her?” His voice broke.

“Because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was the right thing for Nova, and I thought it would help. I made a lot of stupid decisions dealing with it. Or trying to.”

“I wish I had known or could have been there for you.” He squeezed his eyes shut.

“By the time I could even bring myself to tell anyone, you’d long stopped speaking to me.” My voice was barely audible.

“Why didn’t you call?” he asked, eyes snapping open to meet mine.

“I almost did on the worst nights. So many times."

“What stopped you?” His face stayed unreadable, but his eyes told me all I needed to know. I’d given him a scar he’d carried for the last seventeen years.

“I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already had. I wasn’t in a good place.”

“I wasn’t either,” Arik admitted.

“I know. I read every post. Every fucking song lyric.”

“You shouldn’t have read those. I wrote my pain away. I never thought you’d look.” He didn't break our eye contact. It was the longest he’d looked at me since my wedding.

“I couldn’t stop. They were about me. How could I not?”

“Because I wasn’t trying to share the pain, just get it off my chest.” He shook his head, tears welling at the corners of his eyes again.

“I’ve loved your lyrics as long as I’ve known you. I’ve loved all your music. I couldn’t stop just because we did.” My cheeks were wet, but I didn’t know when I’d started crying. I wiped them with the backs of my hands.

“They weren’t to hurt you. I still loved you. It was always just a way to get rid of the pain.” He tore his gaze away.

Loved.

Past tense.

My chest ached like he’d stabbed me.

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