Page 194 of Goodbye Note

“When the fuck did we have sex?” This had to be a nightmare. I didn’t fuck anyone. I hadn’t. Not since the last time I’d seen Arik.

Tears welled up in her eyes. “You really don’t remember, do you?”

“No, I fucking don’t.”

She half-collapsed, landing on her knees, sitting in a mess, face in her hands, sobbing. “I’m so sorry.”

I went cold all over as it sunk in. Arik would hate me more than he already did. I’d spent the last fucking decade alone in atonement for what I’d done, and he wouldn’t believe a word of it. He’d think I’d left him for Lindsay.

“She assaulted you?” Arik searched my face.

“Lindsay isn’t like that.” As much as I never loved her, I didn’t want him to hate her.

Rage burned in his eyes. “She took advantage of you, and you are fucking telling me she’s not like that? Do you hear yourself?”

“I drank a lot on that tour. I blacked out all the time.” I didn’t know how to explain it to him.

“How many other people did you blackout fuck?”

I hesitated. “No one, but I was always on the bus.”

“What does that fucking tell you?” He vibrated with anger.

“You can’t hate her for this.”

“The fuck I can’t.”

“Arik.”

“I’d kill her, but she’s the mother of your child. That is the only reason I’m not getting on a plane right fucking now.” His words were visceral. “If I wasn’t stuck in a fucking elevator…”

I exhaled sharply. “It was my fault. I drank myself to sleep every night. I drank until they admitted me the second time.” That and having a child with a woman I didn’t remember sleeping with, but I wasn’t going to tell him that and piss him off more.

“Don’t you fucking say it’s your fault. It’s not. She took advantage of you.” A single tear rolled down his cheek.

“She didn’t. I really believe that.” I wanted to go to him and hug him or something.

“Because she fucking gaslit you.” His hands were fists.

“How do you know how I was acting blackout drunk?” I’d already gone over this so many times in my head, I couldn’t be mad at her.

“I fucking know how you are drunk and high. You would never. And, like I pointed out, you didn’t fuck anyone else. Only the person you fucking trusted to be on your bus with you.” He shoved to his feet and paced the tiny space but stayed on his side."How can you not see how wrong that is?"

"It couldn’t have been like that. I must have… I don’t know." I pressed my eyes closed, not letting myself go back to that day. My mental health hung by a thread and I couldn’t relive those years. “But I’ve forgiven her. I know her intentions.”

“Intentions don’t fucking matter when you’ve caused harm. She fucking had sex with you knowing you were too drunk to consent. Varian, that’s rape.” His chest heaved.

“I know. But you can’t hate her. I don’t know what happened that night, so I can’t say what it was, but I got something really beautiful out of it. Lindsay is a good mother. I don’t want that to be Nova’s legacy.” And I’d already wasted the last six years of her life playing family. I couldn’t let her destroy any more of my spirit or let it hurt my daughter.

He stopped in his tracks. “You named your daughter Nova?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” he asked.

I lifted my shoulders, knowing he knew.

He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re defending her.”

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