Page 163 of Goodbye Note

“I’m fine, and yes, I’m eating. Gran is making all my favorites.”

“Promise?” I asked. The last thing I needed was for him to get more anxious and not be able to eat because he was stressed about me and Dad.

“I promise.”

Arik and I were at an impasse. It was easier to fuck and enjoy each other’s company than to spend the last two days together fighting when neither of us was going to change our opinion.

There were a million things I wanted to say to him. My head spun with them the night before we left. Every goodbye over the last six months hurt more than the last. How many could we put ourselves through and make it past?

I got up earlier than we’d agreed and grabbed the Sharpie out of my bag. I crept back into the bedroom while he slept and smiled as I drew a little heart, then wrote over it: I will always love you.

I sobbed the entire five-hour drive back to Atlanta.

Arik: Tell me this isn’t what I think it is.

Varian: This doesn’t fit in our life right now. They won’t let it.

Varian: They will keep making it impossible for us to be together.

Arik: You’re giving up on us.

Varian: I’m not. I promise. I’m hitting pause.

Arik: What the fuck is pause?

Varian: I can’t let you burn your career down for me. I will always love you. But I’m walking away until we are both in a place we can make this work.

Varian: I’m not seeing anyone else. I’m letting you focus on your career for a while.

Varian: Arik. Please don’t shut me out. You’re my best friend.

I waited for another text, but nothing came. I checked his journal.

our eulogy was already half-written.

we were just waiting for the Final date the fates would bring oUr destruction.

and forever i’m going to wonder if we failed ourselves and gave up too early

you think i’m out here Chasing dreams and the tails of shooting stars, but i Know i had it all with you

it was enough for me

i dare You to find something that ever felt so right

i turned around, and you turned your back On all the promises we made each other

straight on, bUt morning never came

His journal posts broke me over the next few weeks.

I wish there was a way to stop missing you

Or missing the ‘me’ I am when I’m with you

Last star on the right

Maybe you’ll meet me there in another life

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