Page 158 of Goodbye Note

“What?” He stalled, stopping in his tracks.

I glanced over at him. “I don’t want to keep doing this.”

“They won’t let you. Actually, they explicitly told you not to.”

“They can’t really stop me. And once the cat is out of the bag, what are they going to do?” A pit formed in my stomach. Why wasn’t he happy?

“They can fire you!”

“If they do, they do. We are well known enough that I think we’ll be fine.”

“And if you’re not?”

a pill away from falling apart but one word from making it all work

i’m stuck here while words die on my tongue watching you slip away

what if i made the jump?

would you throw it all away

meet me at the bottom to drown in hell?

FORTY-SEVEN

VARIAN

He lifted his shoulders. “It’s better than living a lie. Hiding who we are. Having to do all this just for some time together. The rules. The subterfuge. It’s fucking exhausting. I thought you would be happy.” His face crumpled.

“I want all of that, my Stardust. I want to be in the open with you. But I don’t want to be the reason your career ends. I don’t want you to fuck up everything you’ve worked so hard for and resent me.”

“I could never resent you.”

A little part broke between us. I knew I’d never talk him out of it. His mind was set. But I’d always fear he’d harbor a lifetime of regret for a ruined career. It felt like watching the paths set to ruin our relationship, and I was helpless against it.

I had to decide what I could live with.

We were silent for a lot of the walk, but it wasn’t awkward. We’d learned to dwell in silence during long hours on the bus and then in the stretches we went without speaking.

His hand brushed mine again as we rounded the tip of the island. I glanced over and smiled. He returned it with a glow bright enough to light our torches to hell. It would be so easy to let him come out. Let him ruin his life for the chance he’d look at me like that for the rest of my life.

“Look at that tree.” Arik took off in a jog.

“Where are you going,” I called after him.

He turned around to run backward, bronzed skin glistening in the sunlight. “To see the tree! Come on.”

I sprinted to catch up, making it to the massive pieces of driftwood that were more full trees than logs that had washed up on shore. They stuck out of the sand at every angle like a cemetery of what came before the ocean reclaimed the forest of old.

It put perspective on life. How long this planet has existed before my birth and how long it will after. How life and energy cycles through every phase.

Arik’s fingers brushed over my palm. “What are you thinking?”

It took me a minute to put it into words. “I’m thinking about the phases of life and how ours feels so hard right now—” He opened his mouth to speak but I went on before he could. “But it’s normal. There are highs and lows. Without the valleys, we wouldn’t know the peaks. It’s not a bad thing.”

He closed his mouth in silent introspection. “No, it’s not a bad thing. I’ll love you through every phase of our lives, every high and low.”

I closed my eyes, struck by what I knew we needed but not sure I was brave enough to do it, fighting the tears I wasn’t ready for. “There will never be a moment I don’t love you. No matter how close or far apart we are.”

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