Page 114 of Goodbye Note

I threw myself to the ground on a random blanket, fighting a visceral tangle of emotions while trying to find the will to breathe.

Another tattoo to maybe make me feel like my skin wasn’t the worst thing.

I frayed at the edges, not sure where we went wrong.

Every relationship I’d been in failed and it’s me.

I know it was.

Sometimes I think I’m not worthy of love.

When I started to come down, I went back to the bus, but I couldn’t make myself get into my bunk. It smelled like him. I was too restless to sleep, anyway. I went over and over our conversation, still not sure where it went wrong.

I took wet wipes to the sofa in the back lounge and sat in the dark, alone, trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. A couple stumbled in, so hot and heavy they didn’t even notice me.

Wow.

I watched for a minute in shock before trying to figure out how to make my exit when I felt his eyes. So dark they were nearly black. I don’t know how I knew it was him, but I could feel it. Maybe it was the way he took in air. Or the shape of his shadow I knew so well.

But his eyes weren’t on me at all. They were on the pair who’d quickly progressed from making out to her sliding off his lap to between his knees.

Did he think that was me?

Could he not tell?

He made a soft sound, so soft that, had I not been watching him, I wouldn’t have heard. A muffled growl strangled in his throat. Would he come in and interrupt? Claim what he wanted? I was fascinated by the idea.

The more I thought about it, the harder I got.

He took a step back, another growl building, but this one hurt. It was laced with pain and went straight to my heart.

I was on my feet in an instant and not quiet about it. I didn’t care if the pair heard me. But Varian was nowhere in sight.

Where had he gone?

“Varian?” I rasped in a harsh whisper.

“I’ll leave you alone.”

“Look again. Neither one of them is me.”

“I thought—” He cut himself off.

“You thought I’d go hook up with some girl?”

“A little, yeah. You aren’t into men?—”

“No, they stumbled in while I was sitting there trying to figure out how we got into that stupid fight?—”

He grabbed my face, cutting me off with a kiss.

My world stopped, finally made right.

We broke apart, breathing hard, and he stepped back.

“Stay with me please.” I reached for any part of him I could grasp to stop his retreat. He’d only just touched me, and I craved it on such a deep level I couldn’t even put it into words.

“Don’t do this to me,” he whispered, the strain in his voice evident.

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