Page 133 of Goodbye Note

“Haven’t we been fucking?” A smile came through his voice in a slight tease.

“You know what I mean.” I felt way too exposed to joke around. “It’s never… We’ve done a lot, but it’s never gone that way.” Why did I sound so stupid asking for this?

“It’s not that I don’t want to if that’s how you feel.”

“Then what is it?”

“We’re trying to be quiet, and fucking in a bunk isn’t going to work. It’s not like it’s an easy undertaking, either. We need lube and condoms and space. I don’t really want to have to be thinking about everyone else the first time I’m inside you.”

My chest constricted, and I focused on breathing.

“Does that make sense?” he asked, making me realize I hadn’t replied.

“So you’re okay with the idea of being inside me?” He hadn’t directly answered my question, and if I didn’t ask, it’s all I’d think about.

“I want nothing more in the world.” He rolled me under him, and we both had to brace and catch ourselves so we didn’t fall out of the bunk. We laughed and adjusted to the middle of the narrow space. “Look at me.”

I did. “Yes?”

“I want all those firsts together. I want to make you come while I’m buried inside you.” His voice dropped to a raspy need.

“I need that, Arik.”

“Let’s book a hotel or an Airbnb or something the next place we overnight.” Lust swirled in his eyes.

My dick was so hard. I wished we could go now. “Is that an option?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.”

“Let’s do it then.” He pressed one thigh between my legs, opening me up while he rocked his hard-on into my hip. “Do you feel better?”

“Yes, I just have to convince my anxiety it’s not more. If that makes sense.”

“It does.” He brushed his lips over my collarbones. So soft, in stark contrast to the movement of his hips. I never expected him to be this gentle with me when we met. “I have an idea of something we can do in here.”

“Tell me.” My head fell back, and I closed my eyes, sinking into the moment since the demons in my brain were fed with enough love for the night.

“I’m going to flip around and suck your dick while you suck mine. You can’t be loud when you come if you’re choking on my cock.”

My breathing snagged. “Take your fucking clothes off.”

THIRTY-NINE

ARIK

A light switch flipped, and I couldn’t pinpoint when, but suddenly, we were mobbed everywhere we went. Warped had to hire more security for the band areas, and if we dared leave the bus at a gas station or a rest stop, we got stopped. Pictures came out of Varian and me shopping for snacks at a stop. Photogs followed our bus between cities, trying to get more. Talk about us riding on the same bus flooded social media.

Every bit of content started us trending, and the rumors about us grew louder. Our managers put restrictions on everything we did and told us we weren’t allowed to spend a night in a hotel like we wanted. Varian was told if he rode with us, he couldn’t get off the bus.

The walls were closing in around us, and the more we tried to hide, the less it worked. Pictures of me watching Varian from the side stage for every single stop circulated. They analyzed anything we did. From the writing to what we wore, and God forbid, a picture of any part of our tattoos got out. Those were all documented, like this was some criminal investigation.

How many fans had walls of all the connections with string linking them? And the worst part was they were right, and our management was trying to gaslight everyone out of the observation. So instead of being able to be proud of all the ways we showed love, we had to hide them.

It took a toll.

“What are you doing?” I asked as Varian pressed his face into the back of my neck. It wasn’t sexual, and he wasn’t kissing me or rubbing up against me like he so often would.

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