Page 134 of Goodbye Note

“Recharging.”

“Huh?”

“I just need to feel you. To ground myself.”

“Does that help?”

He nodded silently, slipping his arms around my middle.

I put my hands over his, sinking into the moment.

“You always help.”

Times like these I wished only we existed. Or that we were a straight couple, so we didn’t have to be concerned about anyone else caring who we loved.

“I’m not even mad we can’t go out with all of them tonight.” I wrapped one arm around my back, wanting him to stay just like this.

It was rare alone time for us. The bus was empty because the other guys were out at some club, and we could be naked, but my parents had called because they wanted to ruin my night.

“Me either. I’m so drained from thinking about everything we do.” Varian’s breath warmed the back of my neck.

“Me too. It feels like everything makes it worse.”

“It does. Now it just looks like we are avoiding each other in public to quell the rumors. Why anyone thought you going to my shows and then suddenly stopping wouldn’t get people talking…” He rested his chin on my shoulder.

I turned enough to rub my cheek against him. “Maybe they’ll get bored when we aren’t touring together anymore, and it will get easier.”

“We can only hope.”

“Something has to give because now my parents think I need ‘help’ after seeing my goddamn tattoo and the rumors about us. Like I’m only gay because I have mental health issues.”

“Have they said that?” He turned me in his arms.

“Not in so many words. But they keep asking me if I’m taking my meds and then about you and our ‘friendship.’” I’d been avoiding telling him how bad they’d gotten, but I couldn’t hide it any longer, even if it led to questions I didn’t want to answer.

“Do you think you should go back on them?”

I hadn’t expected that question. “I told you, I threw them out on my way out of town.”

Varian’s eyes widened for a half-second. He schooled his features, trying to appear unbiased, but I knew the look. I’d gotten it for years. I think everyone who’s ever been on psych meds knows it. Judgment mixed with a hint of ‘are you going to lose it any second?’

“Say it,” I said, not even angry, just resigned.

“Say what?” Varian looked genuinely confused, which I loved him for.

“Something about ‘is it safe to be off those?’” I said, trying not to take out my feelings for my parents on him.

“That’s not at all what I thought. Why did you throw them out?”Maybe it was good he felt more comfortable asking me about them, but that didn’t make it easier to admit what a mess I was.

“They make me feel like a fucking zombie. I told you, I can’t write. I feel hung over.”

“And you told your doctor that?” he asked.

“Yep. They told me it was normal.”

He grabbed my hips, pulling me in to straddle his lap. “Not every med works for every person. Maybe you need a new doctor who’s going to listen to how you feel and work with you until you find something that helps manage things.”

“I think looking for a doctor like that is like looking for a unicorn.”

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