Page 101 of Goodbye Note

“What didn’t they get a picture of?” Vallen asked under his breath.

“We weren’t naked,” I muttered, not making eye contact,“but it wasn’t good.”

“You know better. You were fucking raised in this life. What are you doing?”

“I’m stupid, okay? I’m fucking stupid.”

“You need to be more careful.”

“I know,” I hissed. “If he ever gets near me again. He fucking told me we need to stop.”

Vallen sat back with a sigh. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know, but I need to talk to him. He’s got to be freaking out.”

“No fucking kidding.”

TWENTY-NINE

ARIK

It took a full five minutes locked in the bathroom to get my heart to stop racing. I’d believed the worst in those seconds. That we were about to be exposed. How the fuck did I face my sexuality being dissected by the masses before I understood it? I pressed my head against the flimsy wood door, hearing Varian and Vallen whispering to each other. I trusted him, but I wanted to know what he said about it. About me.

But I didn’t dare leave the solitude for fear of…what?

What kind of weak-ass shit?—

I cut off the line of thinking, remembering what Varian told me. I’m allowed to feel what I’m fucking feeling, goddamn it.

What were those feelings?

Fear. Overwhelming fucking fear. Hurt. Embarrassment. Shame. I was fucking ashamed for running away and basically ditching Varian, even if it was to his fucking bathroom.

My parents would be so pissed if pictures of me naked made it into their sphere. Traditional was no joke. They’d come here and kill me themselves if my grandmother saw something like that. The reality of what I was doing sunk in. I’d never have privacy again. Anyone could talk, take a video, or say anything they wanted to TMZ, and I’d have to deal with it.

I stopped in my grief, realizing what Varian had dealt with his entire life. How the fuck did he trust anyone?

He trusted me.

I slumped back against the sink. Whatever I’d done to earn Varian’s trust that first night, I thanked God.

I forced myself into the shower, keeping it cold and quick, knowing Varian had to get in here, and there was only so much water. I stole Varian’s products and calmed myself down enough to get out of the shower, only to realize I hadn’t even asked for a towel.

Fuck my life.

A knock startled me.

“Need a towel?” Varian’s coy voice came through the door.

“Thanks.” I stayed behind the door, opening it a sliver.

His smiling face came into view. “Bet you need clothes, too.”

“Hand them over and stop being so smug about it.”

He held out the towel, and I tugged it from his grasp, about to close the door when he said, “Let me in.”

I stared. “We just nearly got caught…”

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