Page 111 of Shameless Expectations

“I’m getting divorced,” Athena said, sounding so confident in her decision. Perhaps that’s all it was, the confidence for her to make the decisions she wanted. “And it has very little to do with you. You were a catalyst in a decision to change something I’d already been regretting for years.”

“All right.” Monti looked down at their fingers again, a little bit of the tension in her chest easing up. “So you’re getting divorced. What does that mean for us?”

“Nothing really.” Athena sighed. “I just wanted you to know.”

“What do you want for us?” Monti’s tension hinged on whatever Athena was going to say, whatever direction she was going to take them. She settled into allowing whatever emotions were going to come up to pass through her before she responded. Because if it was disappointment, she didn’t want to respond with anger.

“I want to explore,” Athena repeated what she’d said earlier. “I know that’s not very defining, but I don’t know what I want yet. I want to just experience and learn to live again. Whatever that means.”

They still hadn’t made any progress toward any type of definition. Athena was hedging. Monti wanted clarity. They were stuck in the same cycle they’d created from the start. Monti had to push for answers. The only difference was this time she had to push herself.

“I love you,” Monti whispered, her voice so quiet. But the words that slipped from her allowed a warmth and a calm to settle over her in a way she’d never felt before. When she looked up, meeting Athena’s gaze, she knew she was heard. She knew that Athena was right there with her in this moment. “But more than that, Athena, I want to be loved by you.”

Monti’s chest filled with that love, with the way Athena was looking at her, the softness in her gaze, the compassion and understanding. This momentous occasion wasn’t lost on either of them. Monti wanted to move in and kiss her, be wrapped up in her. Instead of waiting, Monti did it.

She pulled Athena toward her, their mouths connecting. Monti’s eyes fluttered shut. She poured every emotion she could into that kiss. Wrapping her arms around Athena’s back, she held on tightly. She splayed her fingers in an attempt to move them even closer together. Monti breathed new life into her lungs with an ease she’d never anticipated.

This time, Athena pulled away, though only slightly. She started a line of kisses along Monti’s jaw to her ear. She pulled Monti’s earlobe into her mouth and sucked as she hummed. Monti’s body was on fire in an instant. She knew they could do this, that they were comfortable with this. But what she wanted to know was if they could do more than just the physical. Could they continue this new cycle of sharing?

“Monti,” Athena gasped her name. She pressed her face into Monti’s neck and slowed her breathing. They sat together, wrapped in each other’s arms, a small duo in the huge world around them.

Please, love me.

The thought slid through Monti’s body like a dam breaking. She was back to being that little kid just searching for love in a world that seemed to turn against her. She was the preteen just trying to figure out who she liked—girls, boys, both, anyone. She was the freshman in college, wondering if anyone would ever want to be with her. She was the grad student knowing she couldn’t let anyone in without hurting them. Monti blinked back tears as she clung desperately to that feeling and followed it along. To Tia. To Fallon. To the friends she’d made all over the world, and finally landing with Athena.

Athena kissed Monti’s cheek, then her lips. “I love you.”

The breath racked through Monti’s chest as she inhaled. She nearly burst into tears from Athena’s tender confession, from her approval and acceptance. They were both looking for the same thing—someone who could love them through all the pain they carried. Monti clenched her eyes shut, holding onto Athena. She felt as though she was floating, as if she was finding the lightness and peace she’d been struggling for.

Was this what making peace was?

The simple act of accepting someone else’s love into her heart.

“I love you,” Athena repeated with another kiss. “I don’t know what that means for us exactly. I don’t think you do either. But we’re going to find out.”

Monti melded their bodies together as best she could. She wanted to crawl up inside Athena and live there, in this moment, in this little perfect oasis of love and hope and peace.

“It’ll be so peaceful,” Monti whispered, accepting the truth of the moment. This was all she’d had to do to find peace. She had to allow it to happen.

Athena snorted, but when she spoke, her voice was so calm and truthful. “I don’t think it’ll always be peaceful.”

Monti dug her fingers into the hair at the back of Athena’s head. She pulled away slightly to look in her eyes, a grin on her lips, and a twinkle in her eyes. “Don’t spoil my moment.”

“Your moment?” Athena rested the full weight of herself on Monti’s chest. “I thought this was our moment.”

“Yeah, sure.” Monti kissed her. Everything about this felt right in ways nothing had for a very long time. Monti would give Athena everything she asked for. “Our moment.”

“Our peace?”

“Our lack of shame and expectations for sure.” Monti kissed her again and again and again. “We’re just here in this one single moment, bringing everything that we are.”

“I didn’t realize you’d be so sentimental in your confessions of love.”

Laughing, Monti rolled her eyes and sat up a little. “Sentimental? What did you expect?”

“Oh, there’s that word again.” Athena ran her hand firmly over Monti’s chest, over her breast, and down to her stomach. “I expected, for the record, that we wouldn’t get to this point today. I expected we would drift apart after this trip.”

“Why’s that?”

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