Page 23 of Finding Gwen

“You chickened out.” Jason laughed, and I talked myself out of chucking my stapler at his head, choosing to instead move my focus back to the file. It was always easiest to ignore Jason’s childish taunting, but he might have been right that time. I should have been able to tell her. Something about the way she was kneeling in front of me, the sadness in her eyes. The pity. I couldn’t find the words. “Let me scour through the case file, man. You need to go home and beg for forgiveness after the shit you put her through today. I’m tired of working with your lovesick ass, especially when all of this could be easily solved by you just telling her how you feel.”

“Fine,” I grumbled. Standing, I gathered what I needed to head out without looking in Jason’s direction. Whatever look he had on his face would make me want to punch him, and I needed to stay focused.

When I finally made my way home, the house was dark. No doubt Gwendalyn had gone to bed long ago. Before I could talk myself into going back to the station, I went inside. A million thoughts were running through my head, my nerves standing on edge as I forced myself to tread lightly down the stairs. I made my way down the hallway, but froze before I could step into the room.

Internally, I chastised myself. What the fuck am I doing? This is creepy as hell. I had no right to walk into Gwendalyn’s space and demand she give me the time of day, let alone wake her up. Compromising, I took a few steps forward, but stayed near the edge of the room, wanting to at least see her peacefully sleeping. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her curled up under the blankets, clutching a pillow to her chest. Her phone was propped up on the nightstand and I wondered what she was doing before she fell asleep.

“No… please…” she whimpered softly in her sleep, and it took every ounce of control to not immediately rush forward to comfort her. I held my breath as she turned over in her sleep, only releasing it when she settled back into sleep. My arms ached to hold her, to chase away whatever was haunting her dreams, but I forced my legs to move, to walk away. Oscurità mia wanted to play and if I lost control, there was no telling what would happen.

On autopilot, I make my way up to my bathroom, turning on the shower. I needed to wash away the day. Quickly stripping out of my clothes, I stepped under the stream, letting the water hit the muscles on my back. The warmth relieved some of the tension as I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing the wet strands back and out of my face.

Frustration bubbled to the surface as I tried to sort through the countless emotions going through my head. Mostly guilt. Guilt for not setting expectations with Gwendalyn earlier. I was playing with her emotions by not telling her how I feel and not allowing her to actually decide. Just because she kissed me in a moment of weakness doesn’t mean I get to take advantage and push myself on her. My dick had been doing all the thinking lately, and that needed to change.

I couldn’t deny the way she made me feel, though. Just the thought of her drove the darkness inside of me wild with lust. The way her body felt pressed up against mine was imprinted in my mind. But I wanted to know what it would feel like to have her body underneath me in my bed. Her hand wrapped around my cock while my hands explored every inch of her body.

My hand traveled down to my stiffening cock before I registered what was happening. I was fisting it and pumping harshly while I thought about how it would feel to tease luce mia’s pussy with my cock, her eyes burrowing into my soul as I slowly thrusted in and out of her.

Remembering the way her lips felt against mine, my motions became desperate as I pumped harder. I was a teenager again, being touched for the first time, as I pictured Gwendalyn with my hand around her throat as she milked my cock with her orgasm. My head fell forward as my release coated my hand and shower wall. Stepping out from under the water, I removed the shower head and rinsed off the wall.

Replacing it, I turned off the water before realizing all I did was jerk off. Too spent from my solo session to even think about finishing my shower, I step out and wrap a towel around my waist. Wiping away the steam from the mirror with my hand, I look at my reflection, feeling a bit of shame over what I just did. Gwendalyn deserved more than what I had to offer her. There was a piece of me that knew she had every right to make that choice on her own, but if she decided she didn’t want me, would I actually be able to let her go?

“Fuck!” Jason swiped his desk, the files that had been scattered across them flying into the air. His outburst didn’t surprise me and it was far from out of character. Never the level-headed one, he typically spent more time teaching dirtbags lessons, but both of our time had been eaten up lately with this case.

Over the last two weeks, the assailant had escalated out of control. Since the first survivor that was found unconscious, we’ve had to interview half a dozen more, each one with increasing signs of abuse. The one we talked to just a few hours ago had been found in the parking lot of Debbie’s, a local bar, horribly beaten and sexually assaulted a little after sunrise. She was unconscious for nearly eight hours, having been drugged on top of everything else, before we were able to talk to her. Jason had done his best to make her comfortable in our presence, but ultimately, we had to send a female detective to gather a statement from her. There was no way I could blame her after everything she went through.

The asshole doing all this was smarter than we originally thought. He had yet to leave behind any fingerprints and must be using condoms, because we never find DNA evidence with the rape kits. I watched Jason collect the discarded files before tossing them haphazardly onto his desk. Putting on his leather jacket from the back of his chair, he pulled his bike helmet out of a drawer in his desk before leaving without a word to me. I knew where he was going. Even though I wanted to follow, Gwendalyn texted me this morning and asked if I would be home this evening so she could make plans with a friend. She deserved the break and I couldn’t deny her wanting to spend time with someone other than Oliver, so I told her I would be home before dinner. Looking at my watch, I noticed it was quarter-after-four, so I gathered my own things and headed home.

As I walked through the garage door, I hadn’t expected the kitchen to be filled with the wonderful smell of a baked lasagna. It was cooling on the stovetop, and I could hear Oliver laughing. Following the sound to the living room, Gwendalyn was sitting crossed legged with her back to me, her hair flowing down her back. I wanted to fist the waves in my hands and drag her to my room, to claim her mouth for the first time since Oliver’s party. It had been torture keeping my distance since that night, having chosen to revisit everything when this case was solved and the dust settled again. In making that decision, I had unintentionally only made it harder on myself to stay away. There was no denying my body’s reaction to her.

Watching for a few minutes more, I noticed a soft giggle come from her as Oliver chased down one of his trains that had gone off track. My heart nearly beat out of my chest at the sound. I would dedicate my entire life to hearing her laugh more often. As Oliver finally caught his train and Gwendalyn relaxed again, I cleared my throat, causing her to jump and whip her head around to face me.

“Oh gosh, Anthony. You gave me a heart attack.” Gwendalyn pressed a hand against her chest as she stood. “Ollie, your dad is home!” Oliver quickly abandoned his train, running toward me at full force. I easily caught him, lifting him up so he could throw his arms around my neck.

“Daddy, I helped make dinner. I spread sauce and sprinkled cheese.” His pride was evident in his wide eyes as he smiled at me. I squeezed him a little tighter before releasing him and letting him run off to the kitchen.

“Dinner is ready,” Gwendalyn started. I tried to focus on the words coming out of her mouth, but my dick was doing all the thinking. As I stared at her lips, I wanted to know how they would feel wrapped around my cock. She kept talking as I shifted, hoping she wouldn’t notice my growing erection. “I blended a bunch of veggies to add to the sauce, so it should be a relatively balanced meal, if that’s all he eats. There’s some garlic bread in the freezer that shouldn’t take more than a few minutes to cook. I didn’t want them to get cold before you got home.” When she finished, I stood there speechless because of her thoughtfulness.

“Thank you,” I said. I wanted to reach out and touch her, my hand almost acting of its own free will as she made her way toward me. At the last moment, I shoved my hands into my pockets and moved out of her way. As she started gathering her things, I followed behind her, wanting to enjoy her presence for a little longer. “So, um, where are you going?”

She stopped near the front door and turned, her mouth opened slightly as if she was thinking about what to say. “Oh, um, I’m meeting a friend at a bar. I think it’s called Debbie’s.” My stomach dropped at that name and a chill ran down my back.

“You can’t,” I blurted it out as she grabbed the doorknob, not knowing what else to say. She turned, her eyebrows raised as she stared at me. My mind started going through possible excuses I could get her to stay home.

“Excuse me?” She was annoyed, her body language telling me she doesn’t have the patience for my bullshit.

“You can’t go to that bar,” I mumbled. Was it likely this dumbass would be at the same place twice? No, it didn’t seem like his motive. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to make sure Gwendalyn was as far away as possible from this case. She stayed silent, waiting for me to say something else. I said the first thing that came to mind. “Jason told me about something that happened there last night. I don’t think it’s safe.”

“I think I’ll be fine,” she chuckled, her hand turning the knob. Images of her in a hospital bed beaten flashed in my mind. Before she could fully open the door, I strode toward it, pushing myself between it and her so our chests were touching. I crossed my hand over, pulling hers from the doorknob. She ripped it from my grasp before looking up at me, fury filling her eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I don’t think you should go to that bar. Call your friend and tell her you’ll meet her at her place or she can come here.” As I towered over her, she flinched slightly, pulling away enough so that there was space between us. A part of me wanted to back down, knowing that I was crossing a line that I shouldn’t be. She was comfortable around me, showing me time and time again that she wasn’t intimidated by the darkness inside me.

“Anthony, this is ridiculous,” she huffed, her voice raising. “I’m leaving and meeting my friend. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

“I do if you refuse to put your safety first, Gwendalyn,” I growled. It took everything inside of me not to blurt out the real reason I wanted her to stay home, but putting that unbearable weight on her would be unfair of me.

“Is that so?” A fire was lit in her eyes. She shoved her finger into my chest, emphasizing her next point as she found her confidence. She kept her voice low. “You kissed me, and then left me. Any time I’ve tried to have a conversation with you, you’ve ignored me. So no, Anthony, you don’t get a say. Now, move.”

Her words hit me in the gut. She was right, of course. I had been too scared, too in my own head, to simply talk to her. She pulled her hand away from my chest, taking several steps backwards and crossing her arms across hers while she waited for me to move. I was proud of her, but that wasn’t going to stop me.

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