Page 71 of Past Present Future

“So how are we ever supposed to write something good?”

“Let go of it,” she says, “by doing the exact opposite. I’d rather read bad writing that’s full of heart than good writing that’s devoid of emotion.” And then she gives me a smile as she pats her chest. “Because if it has that heart, how bad can it really be?”

I’m still struggling to wrap my mind around this. Then again, nothing I’ve tried so far has worked, so maybe it’s not the most ridiculous idea.

I let out a deep breath, trying to relax into it.

“Write badly, Rowan,” she urges, holding out a bowl for me to take a handful of chips. “Give yourself permission.”

I go back out into the living room for the final freewrite, where Kait gives me a cheery smile and asks where I wandered off to.

“Bathroom,” I tell her.

And even though I don’t write another word the rest of the night, somewhere deep in my bones, I sense myself start to change.

* * *

It doesn’t happen right away, the writing badly.

But a couple nights later, Paulina’s out and Kait’s with Leilani and I’m caught up on all my reading. Gingerly, as though it’s a small animal I might spook if I go too fast, I reach for my laptop.

Give yourself permission.

So I do.

I write the worst trash I’ve ever written. Objectively speaking—this time, I’m not being hard on myself.

It’s a surprise, how bizarrely fun it is, to let myself go like this. My writing has always been so restrained, so calculated, but when I switch off my inner editor, let the words trip into each other, it’s a mess—a little sandbox of words I’ve created to play with.

I put all my heart into that terrible piece of writing. There’s a turn of phrase I like here and there, but as a whole, it’s not very good at all. I repeat words, I end sentences with prepositions, I use too many question marks and exclamation points. It’s ugly and unpolished and downright bad.

And when I finish, I’m so fucking proud of it.

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NEIL

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