Page 72 of Past Present Future

“YOU LOOK… HOLY shit,” I say when she opens the door to her parents’ hotel room. Then I crane my neck to see around her, waving to Ilana and Jared. “In fact, I’m not sure I should finish that sentence with your parents in the room.”

Rowan grins her lovely, magnetic grin. Nudges my arm. “You are amazing for my self-esteem.”

A familiar warmth spreads all the way down to my toes, that full-body glow I can never get enough of when she’s around. She’s in a vintage black dress that seems tailor-made for her curves, with a tight bodice and flared skirt, lace sleeves, and a hint of shimmer. With her wavy hair pinned to one side and a swipe of red across her lips, she could be a 1940s starlet on her way to a movie premiere. Rowan has made me speechless a fair number of times in my life. I used to lament the fact that we were never able to attend any high school dances as a couple, but it was probably for the best: I wouldn’t have been able to keep my jaw off the floor. The past week has been a study in patience. That mix of exhaustion and dread has followed me around, trailed me like a shadow. All I’ve wanted is to get to today, and yet my classes have felt endless.

School must have you pretty busy.

Miss you, buddy.

Maybe the worst of it is that in any other context, his words would be wholly innocuous.

Even after discussing it with my mom, I haven’t been able to get the letter off my mind. Skyler hasn’t said anything about it; in fact, he and I have exchanged only pleasantries lately. I can’t tell if he’s tiptoeing around me or if we’ve both made a silent agreement not to acknowledge it. Again and again, I’ve told myself that everything will be okay the next time Rowan and I see each other.

It has to be.

She got to New York late last night and stayed at the hotel with her parents, and we planned a fancy date night before the book event. This rooftop Italian restaurant in Chelsea has spectacular views, city lights just starting to blink on at dusk, and it’s early enough in the evening that we were able to snag a reservation. Although I don’t have to force smiles with nearly as much effort as I do with everyone else, it feels like we’re dining with an uninvited third guest. One Rowan can’t see but is all too real to me.

As soon as we’re seated, a blond girl passes our table—and then doubles back. “Hey!” she says. “I swear, this city really does feel like a small town sometimes.”

“Hey,” I say. “Rowan, Zoe. Zoe, this is my girlfriend, Rowan.”

Zoe’s face lights up as she bends to give Rowan a hug, lifting her eyebrows at first as though to ask if Rowan’s a hugger. Rowan smiles, accepts the hug. “Rowan! I’ve heard so much about you. Amazing to meet you.”

“You too,” she says. “A little preview of tomorrow?”

Zoe laughs. We all had plans to hang out tomorrow so Rowan could meet everyone. “Guess so. Your scavenger hunt was a blast, by the way.”

This makes Rowan beam. “I’m so glad. It’s funny, I used to hate losing to him in high school, but I don’t mind it as much anymore.”

“Probably because I gloat a lot less?”

“It’s true. He was so sneaky about that last photo, it took us a moment to realize the game was even over.” Then Zoe gestures to a table with a few other girls I don’t recognize. “I better get back before they finish all the burrata.”

We exchange goodbyes as she hurries to her table.

And then, because I am a massive idiot, I say: “She has a boyfriend.”

Rowan pauses while reaching for a slice of focaccia. “Okay,” she says, drawing out the two syllables. “You’re allowed to have friends who are single girls. I don’t know why you needed to say that so quickly.”

“Sorry.” I fidget with the edge of a cloth napkin. Idiot, idiot, idiot. “It’s just—this is stupid, really silly, and I should have told you when it happened. But back in the fall, I was at a party with Skyler, and she asked if I was single. Which… I’m obviously not. And then she started dating Steve, so. No big deal.”

“Oh.” She places the bread back in the basket. “Did any part of you… wish you were? Single?”

“No,” I say emphatically. “Not once. I swear to you, that’s never crossed my mind.”

“Maybe we should talk about this. It’s okay to admit that you find other people attractive. I’m not expecting you to go through your life with tunnel vision.”

I shake my head, letting my shoe tap hers beneath the table while I wrap a fist around the napkin in my lap, my thumb warping the fabric. I’ve already screwed up my psych grade and my friendship with Skyler—I can’t screw things up with her, which includes making her feel anything less than fully adored. I’m still kicking myself for how I reacted in Boston when she mentioned my dad. She shouldn’t have ever had to see that mask slip.

“Artoo… I don’t know how to say this in a way that doesn’t make me sound completely lovesick, but I suppose that’s what I am.” A warmth creeps onto my cheeks as I lower my voice, reaching a hand across the table to link my fingers with hers. It nearly breaks me, imagining her feeling at all insecure when she looks this fucking radiant—as made up as she is tonight or as soft as she is first thing in the morning. “No one else has ever affected me the way you do.”

“Even though you’re in a city of eight million people?” She rubs her thumb along my index finger, a gentle brush that’s all too easy to relax into. She’s not upset. I should have told her about Zoe earlier, but she’s not upset.

“They’re all swamp hags.”

“They’re most definitely not,” she says with a laugh, the sound loosening the pressure in my lungs, “but okay.”

The food arrives, the slight disagreement forgotten as we lose ourselves in eggplant parmesan and delicate spinach gnocchi.

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