Page 79 of I Can't Even

He came back with his hands loaded down with plates and started passing them out, studiously ignoring the test until the last possible second.

“Shit,” he said when he finally took it in his hands.

“I was really, really careful about peeing on that,” I said. “But you still might want to go wash your hands since you just picked it up from the wrong end.”

He did, coming back with a towel in his hands and a bit of green tint to his face.

“It’ll be okay, son.” Germaine chuckled. “The first one is always the scariest. Let’s just hope there’s only one, and not three.”

The utter horror on Quaid’s face was what got me through the rest of the day smiling.

I’m kind of a lady, but definitely more of a weirdo.

—Text from Ellodie to Quaid

ELLODIE

I decided to tell my dad first.

Mostly because I knew my mom would freak out, and she’d need his support when she found out.

I checked the clock and wondered if he was still in the field or not.

Most likely, he was.

But his Bluetooth was connected to the tractor, and there was no doubt in my mind he was listening to his audiobooks while he did what he had to do for the day.

But the question was, would he answer me?

Me:

Dad

I waited ten minutes for him to answer, then texted again.

Me:

Dad, I really need to talk to you.

Another ten minutes went by, and I texted again.

Me:

Dad! This is really important!

I sighed and went back to work, typing up reports on the patients I’d seen today.

I was on the third one when I decided to just say fuck it and text him for real.

Me:

Dad, I’m pregnant.

Still no answer.

Though I knew he’d seen them all.

Again, his fancy ass tractor had a Bluetooth that read him off everything, text or calendar notifications included.

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