Page 38 of I Can't Even

We didn’t tell each other everything.

She told me everything.

But there was only so much information that you wanted from your own mother. And I wasn’t going to tell her everything there was to know about me.

It was obvious I’d made a mistake in telling her about the serial killer this morning. But I’d done it in a moment of weakness, feeling scared and alone in my apartment all by myself.

“Your mom sounds like a hoot,” the man at my side said. “Go ahead and send her my number.”

I snorted. “Technically, I don’t have your number. Just your office number.”

He winked. “Send the office number to her. That may be the easiest for her to get in touch with me. Use my phone to send it. The passcode is 1221.”

I snooped on his phone for twenty minutes, because right after he gave me his code to get in, he pulled a car over for nearly slamming into him.

He was currently giving the poor old lady a sobriety test.

Truthfully, what she needed was a retest on her driver’s license.

After sending his number to me and my mom, I then programmed myself into his.

Or tried to.

Because he already had all my information.

I figured he got it when he had my phone to look at the dating app.

Speaking of the dating app, I signed into it on his phone so he would be able to read everything that I got as I got it.

After I was done with that, I took a selfie and replaced his generic background with a selfie of me blowing a kiss.

I then moved his home screen around because it wasn’t very aesthetically pleasing.

Once I was bored of it, I put his phone down and watched the poor old lady try to walk a straight line using her walker.

The rest of the night was just as exciting as the beginning, and by the time we arrived home, I was beat.

It was two in the morning, and sadly, the last thing on my mind was doing anything besides falling face first in bed.

Which, of course, I couldn’t do because I had to make up the pull-out bed.

In the end, I decided to say ‘fuck it’ and sleep in the chair itself.

I was already dead to the world when Hot Cop came to bed.

But I didn’t stay that way.

I have a rhythm I wipe my ass to.

—Things you should not say on a first date

QUAID

The woman sleepwalked.

After she dove into bed an hour ago, I decided to get all my reports done from her computer that was resting on the counter next to the sink.

Even worse, I signed in using the most generic of passwords: password123

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