Page 243 of Sweet Temptation

“Why?” I asked, so curious to understand what made him tick. “Why did you feel that way? And why did you let her use you?”

“I’ve asked myself those questions so many times over the years. And I don’t have a clear answer. But there are patterns. My parents used me against each other in their never-ending fights. My mom cheated on my dad before I was born, and she’d use the affair as a weapon, a threat against him, whenever they fought.”

“Oh, shit.”

“You could say that. I was definitely my dad’s kid. I mean, anyone could see it. But he always lorded it over her, that maybe I wasn’t really his. And she was always threatening to leave, but never did. They chose this life of misery together, and they’d shove me back and forth between them, using me as an excuse to be cruel. If I fucked up, it was always the other one’s fault. So, as a teenager… I guess I just chose to keep fucking up. It was the only thing that got their attention.”

“Oh, Ronan. Jesus.”

“Yeah. It was good times. And after that… I had some pretty bad relationships. Maybe I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I mean, my uncle and my aunt were great, but somehow that never made up for the shit show of my parents. It seemed like every relationship I got into, I’d discover that the woman was using me for something, or betraying me somehow. Or both. They wanted protection, money, whatever. Whatever it was they saw in me that they thought they could use.”

“Well… that sounds fucking exhausting,” I said. “Feeling used all the time… it must be draining.”

“It is. My last client, before you, was this really spoiled trust fund kid who used me like a pawn to try to make her boyfriend jealous. There was nothing going on between us, but she told him there was. It made my job a living hell, trying to juggle her needs as a client while trying to stay one step ahead of the psychological warfare. Every week she had some new scheme that she somehow wanted to draw me into.”

“Well, Christ. And I wondered why you didn’t want to be a bodyguard anymore…”

“Yeah, well… there’ve been a few clients from hell. But in general, I do love what I do. It’s satisfying providing security for people who need it. Knowing I’ve helped people. But sometimes… I let people get away with too much in the name of trying to help them. I’ve been, uh, really trying to work on that.”

Yeah. I could see that.

And I could relate. Not to feeling used by the people in my life… but I could relate to being a strong person, like he was—the kind of person other people didn’t always want to believe had pain and softness in them. Vulnerabilities.

I had a hard time accepting that I had those things in myself.

I flopped back on the bed next to him.

“Okay, while we’re doing this… I’m gonna confess something to you,” I told him. “And it’s really hard for me to do.”

“You can tell me anything, Summer,” he said gently.

“I’m afraid of being a loser like my mom.”

“What?”

“I know. It sounds harsh. And maybe a little ridiculous. But it’s the truth. My mom is a loser. My biological mom, I mean.” I sighed. “There, I said it. She’s a loser now and she always has been. And no, I will never say that to her face. It’s my opinion, and it’s a judgment, but it’s what I see when I look at her.” I took a breath. “You asked me where my desire to make people feel good comes from. Well, my dad left her, and I adore my dad. I always have. I’ve always wanted to please him and make him happy. Make everyone around me happy. And the way I did that, from an early age, was music. When I played the piano, I had people’s full attention. I had his full attention. But inside, I feared being like my mom. And I never wanted to be left like she was. To be alone.”

“That’s very human, sweetheart,” Ronan assured me. “No one wants to be left by someone they love.”

“I know. I know we haven’t talked about our past relationships… I haven’t talked to you a lot about Ash, maybe because I don’t want you to worry that there’s any reason for you to be jealous. There’s not. But I did love him. And when I was with him… I always believed that he’d betray me. That he’d leave me for something else. Something better? Ash is bisexual, he’s been polygamous in a lot of his relationships, and… I don’t know. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t believe I’d be enough for him, no matter how he tried to reassure me.”

Ronan rolled toward me and put his hand on the side of my face as he looked in my eyes. And that warm, sure touch was so… reassuring, I felt the courage to go on.

“It ended us. I mean, obviously we weren’t meant to go the distance together for various reasons, but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. And I was a mess when I lost him, even though I instigated the breakup. I felt like I had to, before the relationship destroyed me. But… I really wanted the happy ending, Ronan. So, I’ll just say it: I’m a hardcore romantic. Not everyone knows that about me, but I can’t help it. I’m a dreamer. It comes with the music, the creativity, and being able to see big things for myself. I want the fairytale, and I’ve always wanted an alpha Prince Charming… A man just like my dad. I want what he and Joanne have.” I shrugged a little. “Maybe that’s been my Achilles heel in my relationships. Wanting too damn much.”

Ronan just listened. His thumb drifted gently over my cheek as I spoke. He didn’t say anything, but there was that quiet compassion on his face that I’d come to know and adore.

So I went on.

“Then… my ex, James, cheated on me. You know, the mortgage broker? I caught him literally hoovering lines of coke off another woman’s body, like I told you. It was terrible. I didn’t know or even suspect that he was cheating until that moment. I’d just bought this house, and he was supposed to move in with me once the renovations were done. I was pretty devastated.”

“Summer… You know a man who would do that to you was never going to be faithful. It was probably better you found out before he moved in.”

“Oh, absolutely. I know that. But it was still hard. And it was so strange… how a lot of my friends seemed to assume it didn’t hurt me. That’s one drawback of being strong, I think. People think you don’t hurt. But it fucking hurt.”

He squeezed my hand a little, the one he was still holding. “I would never hurt you like that, Summer. I’d tell you. I’d tell you first. If I was unhappy, or if there was something I needed that I wasn’t getting… I’d talk to you. I know it might feel scary that I’m not much of a talker. But it’s not because I’m sitting on a well of secrets. I just think before I speak. I don’t want to say shit that would hurt you.” He looked me deep in the eyes as his thumb stroked my cheek. “But I promise you, I would talk to you before I did something that hurt you.” He kissed me softly, and I softened all over. “And besides that,” he murmured, “I don’t want anyone else.”

“Neither do I.”

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