Page 162 of The Trouble With Bad Boys

JAXON

I see the road sign for Charlotte and know I’m close to Tia. I may have thought I could protect her by leaving, but for me, she’s never truly been far from my mind. I make this trip at least twice a month, needing to see her, even if she can’t see me.

She’d be furious if she knew. She’d glare at me and call me a stalker. She wouldn’t be wrong.

But it wouldn’t matter what she said. I’d still be happier than I’ve been since I left her to hear her say even a single word to me.

A whole year is a long time to want and not be able to have. To not be able to even touch her or smell the soft scent of her perfume. To be without the one person you love more than anything else in the world.

It was my choice, though. I have no one to blame but myself for having to live without her. But even thinking about that last time I was with her makes my chest ache.

I watch as Tia washes the dishes, knowing what I plan to do tonight is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. All day I’ve dreaded it, even as I can’t deny it’s the only way she’ll be safe. I’ve been lying to myself for too long. I wanted to believe what we are could be separate from my work for my family, but that’s just a dream that could never come true.

She deserves a life that doesn’t involve the danger that comes from being with me.

“Do you want to go down to the lake?” she asks, tearing me out of my terrible thoughts about what I’m about to do.

Shaking my head, I grimace. “Not tonight.”

Instead of showing disappointment, she merely shrugs and gives me a cute smile. “Okay. I just thought maybe you didn’t want to stay in again.”

Tia giggles before turning back to finish washing the dishes. I hate that what I’m about to say will make this the last time she’s happy around me.

“When you’re done there, I want to talk,” I say quietly, still not sure I’ll be able to do this, although I don’t have a choice.

She looks back at me and nods. “Okay. I just have a fork and spoon to do, and then I’m all yours.”

I give her a tiny smile that barely hides how miserable I am right now. I’d give the world to not have to say these terrible words.

I don’t take my eyes off her, needing to fill my mind with the memory of Tia happy. Even standing at the sink in a pair of gray yoga pants and an old UNC T-shirt with her blond hair up in a messy ponytail, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

How the hell am I going to say I never want to see her again?

I hear her shut off the faucet, and my chest tightens. As she dries her hands on that dish towel with the roosters on it, I suddenly can’t remember how I wanted to start this conversation. Fuck. I had this whole thing plotted out in my mind as I was driving down here yesterday afternoon. I found the perfect way to say what I need to, and now I can’t remember a goddamned word of it.

“You seem quiet tonight, Jaxon. Something on your mind?” she asks sweetly, far too nice for someone like me.

Smiling, even though happiness has no place inside me now, I nod. God, I can’t bring myself to say anything right now.

“You said you wanted to talk. What’s up?” she asks with a lilt in her voice that tells me she has no idea what’s coming next.

I clear my throat, but it’s like every word I need to say is stuck in there. This shouldn’t be so hard. Tia deserves to be away from the kind of danger I bring to her life. I know this is for the best, but I’m not thinking with my head right now.

My heart’s in charge, and it doesn’t want me to let her go.

“I just felt like we need to talk,” I say, barely able to utter even those syllables.

“Okay,” she says with an adorable smile as she walks around the table to sit on my lap. “What’s on your mind?”

Jesus, all I can think about is how much I love feeling her next to me. I don’t think I can do this. I can’t break up with her tonight. Maybe tomorrow when I’m leaving to head back to Pennsylvania. That would be a better time to do this.

I look into her beautiful eyes and see so much love in them. I don’t deserve her or the sweetness she brings to my life. I’m a killer. That she forgave me for how we met and what I did back then only proves that she deserves better than me.

“Is something wrong, Jaxon? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

Even as I shake my head, I know I have to tell her.

I lift Tia off my lap and set her on her feet next to me before standing. I can’t face her when I say this, so I focus my attention on that spot on the wall from that time when we were playing around and I knocked over her lamp by mistake. It left a dimple in the wall I keep telling myself I’ll fix the next time I come down to see her, but I never get around to it.

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