Page 24 of If Only You Hurt

Unfortunately, my dick has other ideas. The moment Laney orgasms, I only move faster, chasing my own desire as I piston in and out of her.

“Fuck, Laney. This feels euphoric. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” And I’m falling right off, my cum shooting into her, and it feels like a never-ending orgasm. I can’t stop moving my hips, letting her tight pussy milk me until I’m spent.

I lay right on her, my breathing labored, while I try to catch my breath. I feel her fingers in my hair again, and I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep in the arms of the woman I crave forever with.

I pull back onto my forearms and push her hair away from her face. Both our bodies are covered in sweat, and there is nowhere else I’d rather be. I look down at her, and I can’t help but lean forward and kiss her lightly on the lips. It’s then I say what has been eating me alive for all these years.

“You’re my home, Laney. No matter where I go, you’re who I come back to. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

It’s then I see a tear fall down the side of her face. I go to wipe it, but another falls. That’s when I realize that I’m the one who’s crying. She brings one of her hands from my hair to my face and cups my cheek. Fuck, I need to be strong for us, and here I am crying after we just had sex. Shit. I fucked this up.

I go to pull away, but she holds me there, her legs once again moving around my waist and locking me in place.

“You are my everything, Grant. I’m always looking for you because you’re my forever.”

She brings her head up, and we kiss, this time deeper. Love is what we never lacked. Life had its ways of fucking everything up. But here we are, hoping that love will win the battle this time around.

We lay together for some time, kissing, embracing, and holding onto this moment for as long as possible. We may not have everything figured out once we walk out that door, but we know that we have love to carry us part of the way. Let’s just hope life doesn’t have other plans once again.

Chapter Twelve

LANEY

November 2023

It’s been a few weeks since we got back from Joshua Tree, and I’m still on a high from that trip. Being loved by Grant has never been hard. Feeling his love, even from across the continents, is something I have always felt within my heart. But that week together felt like a recalibration of sorts between us.

We didn’t leave the hotel room after we had sex. We continued to connect in that way throughout the rest of the evening and into the early morning hours. His kisses along my skin felt like an electromagnetic shock across my body. He and I are connected in a way I have never experienced with another person.

Our adventure continued to the yoga retreat. We met some incredible people who I hope we stay connected with as we move forward in our lives. Cleo was our instructor, and she was full of insightful passages, messages of hope, and a zest for life. Everything she said wasn’t necessarily eye-opening. But I was in a place of receiving at that time, and it really found a connection deep within me, and I’ve carried it ever since.

Grant has been practicing yoga for some time. His movements were proof of that. His ability to bend in certain ways was impressive, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. The warmth of the sun at that time of year was perfect for outdoor yoga, along with some time in the yurt, which was a new experience for me. Grant has traveled to so many places and has embraced so many new experiences along the way. But he said that doing those things with me made it feel like a first once again for him.

We came together beyond the physical sense. We opened up to one another to allow the vulnerability to seep out of us and be embraced by the other. Unfortunately, I didn’t let everything out. I still harbor a secret I haven’t divulged to anyone before, not even my sister. I have held on to this since that ill-fated day back in Wyoming.

During my recovery, many of my feelings were mine; at least, that’s how I interpreted them. I didn’t feel like sharing my personal tragedies was something that someone else could make me do. It was the little control I had at the time. I felt like they didn’t need to be shared, but the longer I hold on to this, the more I know it will bring many unopened wounds to the surface, not just for me, but for the man that holds every aspect of my heart in his hands.

That’s the hard part about all this. I want everything with Grant. And from the little movements, his simple touches, even moments where he opened up to me, I could feel he wanted the same. I think we are finally on the same page, aside from the fact that I might cause things to vanish between us if I were to divulge the whole truth behind the aftermath of the events on my college campus.

I just hope Grant understands that he doesn't fully comprehend the hurt and the pain that I have taken on since that day years ago. I hope that with my confession comes clarity to him for all the pain I harbored throughout the years. It goes beyond the lives I saw lost that day. It’s a loss so personal that it sometimes takes over my soul in a way that is felt deeper in my bones than anything else I’ve experienced.

Since returning from California, I feel a little lighter in some ways. Some moments I feel completely open to trying things with Grant, but then I feel clarity seeping in and concern clouds my judgment and I feel myself retreating from throwing myself into his arms and into a future together.

I've kept busy with my sister and her family, along with teaching at the studio. Connecting with students has been a nice pace for me and makes me feel like I'm stepping into some areas of life that once brought anxiety for me.

I’m making my way upstairs after seeing my sister and her kids off to school. I was having trouble sleeping last night, so I am hoping a cup of tea will do the trick and help me lie down for a few more hours. I got a message from Grant that he would be flying back for Thanksgiving, so my excitement has increased tenfold since getting this news.

“Well, how do you feel about just opening up to Grant and letting him decide how he wants to move forward?” Evelyn once again throws a question in my direction and I feel like that particular one gives me the most anxiety.

“I feel anxious about it. Hence my inability to open up to him,” I give her an exasperated look through the zoom camera.

Sometimes our visits needs to be remote because she’s got a packed schedule. Today it’s my fault I opted for a virtual visit versus an in-person one. I teach in a few hours and needed to get a session in.

The more I sit around with my thoughts, the more uncomfortable I am on how to move forward. Now that Grant’s arrival is hours away, instead of weeks like I initially had, I feel like my secret is getting heavier on my shoulders.

“Laney, listen, I know it’s hard. You know holding onto things like this isn’t just bad for your emotional well-being, but will hurt more the moment you confess it to him. You owe it to him, but also to yourself, to let this off your chest. It will not be easy, but I don’t think you can really focus on what you and Grant could build without resolving what’s behind you.”

She’s said this to me before. All this isn’t news to me, but each time I get an inkling of courage to come clean with Grant, something holds me back. I’ve done this so many times with Evelyn and she’s always so patient with me as I work through my thoughts.

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