Page 49 of Aftershock

Then, my mother said something I never would've expected.

“I don't either.”

“But you were so mad on the phone when I said the same thing. If you understand that feeling, why did you get so upset?”

“Because funerals aren't for the dead; they are for the living,” she answered, squeezing the note in her palms. “You're so strong, Autumn, but even I can see that your father has hurt you.”

If she could see I was in pain, then who else noticed but never called me out on it?

“I’m fine,” I dismissed her.

“Don't do that,” she demanded firmly. “Don't try to brave it out. This, right here, today, is the time and place to release all the emotions you have kept inside for so many years. Anger, sadness, pity…and somewhere deep down, maybe even love.”

“That's why you wanted me to come,” I said as more of a statement than a question. “You wanted me to have closure.” My mom nodded at my words. “I just don't understand why he did any of this. Why did he turn into this person?” I looked to her for guidance.

My mom chuckled dryly. “He never turned into anything. He was always that way, albeit maybe to a lesser degree.” Breathing in deeply, my mother asked, “Have you heard the story about how I met your father?”

It was my turn to laugh. “I take it, it was nothing like the show How I Met Your Mother?”

“Not at all,” she smiled at my comment. “I was in college at the time, a Physical Therapy. The first time I saw your dad, he was bagging items in a grocery store. I was twenty-two, and he was twenty-eight. Michael always kept his head down and his headphones in, barely acknowledging anyone. I thought he was mysterious and quiet. He was a puzzle I needed to solve. From that day on, I only shopped at that grocery store. The lane he was working in was the one I always chose. Eventually, we started talking, and he asked me out on a date. He was a very traditional man. He would pick me up, order for me, and pay for the food. I didn't mind at the time. My view of him changed when he saw me talking to one of my classmates and felt so emasculated to the point that he had to run over and punch him straight in the jaw. He broke it.” I didn’t know my father had an anger streak. It wasn’t surprising, though. “That’s when I started to realize his flaws and all the small things I had never noticed before.” She moved on to reference specific instances. “If we ate at my apartment, I would always have to be the one who cooked. When his grandma passed, he never shed a single tear. The way he would only say ‘you too’ after I told him I loved him.” I put my hand on top of hers and laid my head down on her shoulder as she continued. “I convinced myself that I could change him, but I was wrong. By the time I realized I couldn't, it was already too late because I was pregnant. So, of course, he proposed. Me, being the naive person I was, thought this meant he would change for sure, but once I was again, I was wrong.”

This is my fault. I caused all of this.

“I’m the reason you felt like you had to stay. I’m the one who broke our family.” I bit my lip to keep from sobbing, even though the tears were already falling.

“No, baby.” My mom pushed me off her shoulder and cupped my face in her hands. “We were broken long before you came into our lives. This was nobody's fault except his.”

Looking into her eyes, I asked, “Did something happen when he was a kid? I just don't understand…how could he do this?”

Removing her grasp on my cheeks, my mom looked out towards the road in deep thought. “I don't think we will ever really know. He never opened up to me, and his parents swear he had a normal life.”

Resting my head on her shoulder once more, I began to contemplate her words. Sometimes, their didn’t need to be a reason as to why people went crazy and became monsters. In the real world, not everything could be wrapped up and tied in a beautiful bow. That was the ugly truth. There was no previous trauma. There were no mitigating circumstances. There was no history of mental illness. My dad was just a horrible person. But that also meant none of what happened was my fault.

“Actually, I’m not even surprised that he was just a shit person. Should’ve known.”

“To be fair, he always warned me that he wasn’t the type of man I should go for.”

“Wow, way to listen to the one thing that came out of his mouth that wasn't total bullshit.”

Expecting to be met with a smack in the face, I was surprised when my mother laughed instead.

“Well, I still don't regret a single second of it because I ended up with you.”

I smiled up at her as the sudden realization hit me like a truck. She was right. We had each other. For so long, I felt like my family was broken. I thought I was missing something when, in reality, I had everything I truly needed. We had each other, and that was enough. My mother was enough.

“Mom,” I whispered. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being there when he wasn't. For never letting me down. For being both parents.” The tears in my eyes began to swell…but this time, I didn’t fight them. “You are enough. You will always be enough.”

My mother smiled slightly as her eyes watered, gleaming with something that seemed so familiar but long forgotten about.

Love.

For my whole life, I was convinced that love didn't exist when my mom had been proving me wrong over and over again. I was just too blind to see it. Love didn't have to come from a spouse for it to mean something.

“I love you, Autumn.”