Page 20 of Clan and Crave

“I wasn’t. I tried to sneak out, but nomatter how late it was, I ran into my father. He was always carefulwhen it happened, like he was…well, Vel isn’t afraid of me, but heseemed anxious. He’d call, ‘Conyod?’ as if he wasn’t sure it was meuntil I answered.”

“You believe he was investigating the ghostreports?”

“Why else would he be roaming outside in themiddle of the night? I doubt he believed in the ghost, but he mighthave been concerned someone was prowling around the ranch. Thekestarsh are valuable.”

“Indeed. I can well understand his concerns.I’m more interested in why you’re wishing to encounter thisso-called spirit.”

“I can be worried about the kestarsh too,can’t I? They’re the best part of home.”

“I wonder if you’re fantasizing the ghost boyis Hoslek.”

Hupsan’s comment told Conyod he’d deduced thefascination, and there was no use denying it. The therapist’sdirect gaze hinted at nothing. No derision. No judgment.

Conyod swallowed. “What if it is?”

He’d expected some form of rebuke. Because itwas Hupsan, it would be mild and couched in kind terms. It would bea rebuke, nonetheless.

The doctor surprised him. “If it’s therestless spirit of your brother and you have the opportunity toencounter him, you should be prepared. Have you considered whatyou’d say to him if given the chance?”

Conyod blinked. “Um. Well, I’dapologize.”

“For what?”

“For being such a shit when I last sawhim.”

“You mean for being a little brother whowanted to follow him?”

“I threatened to tattle. I was angry becausehe left me behind.”

“A perfectly normal reaction, shared byyounger siblings since time immemorial.”

“I hate it was the last thing he heard fromme.” Conyod stared at his hands twisting restlessly on his lap.

“That is a hard final exchange to have had,no matter how inconsequential it would have been if Hoslek hadreturned. If he’d come home safe and sound, it would have beenmeaningless.”

“At the same time, I wish I’d been a biggerbrat and found a better threat that would have kept him home.” Hiseyes stung, and he blinked hard to make them stop.

“This is the heart of your difficulty overthe loss, Conyod. This is the guilt you carry.”

The teen regarded Hupsan in surprise. “Isn’tmy biggest problem being smothered by my parents?”

“It’s the most acute issue. It’s the reasonyou ran from home, which is why the court got involved. Underlyingit is a deeper pain, which hasn’t been addressed. It’s why yourparents became so overwhelmingly protective over you…guilt forhaving failed Hoslek.”

Conyod considered it. It had been hisgreatest wish to have somehow stopped his brother from chasing theroaming mares. No thought of Hoslek occurred unless it began withif only I’d...

“Conyod, have your parents ever accused youof being at fault for your brother’s death?”

“No! They’ve never said anything likethat.”

“Perhaps they didn’t have to. Maybe it was insome look you were given or in the tone of their voices when theyspoke to you?”

He shook his head. “Never. In fact, when Isaid I should have done better a few days following the memorialservice, after everyone had given up on finding him, they made abig deal about it having nothing to do with me.”

It had been quite a scene. Conyod had comeinto the home’s common room one evening to find his parent clansitting on the lounger and seating cushions surrounding the unlitfirepit. The entertainment vid system was turned off, yet no onehad spoken. They’d stared into space, their expressions horrible inloss.

Conyod had blurted an apology for failing tokeep Hoslek at home. In an instant, his fathers and mother hadsprung from their seats to surround him. They’d clutched at him,talking over each other as they vied to reassure him he wasn’tresponsible, that none of the blame was his. They’d gone on and onabout how much they loved him…including Vel, who’d never utteredthose words in Conyod’s hearing.

“If they don’t blame you, why do you blameyourself?” Hupsan’s voice recalled him to the present.

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