Page 36 of Knot Forgotten

My mouth dries up and an equally dry swallow works my throat. Do I open the door? He sounds calm, and something else I can’t place in his voice. I wipe my clammy palms down my jeans as he knocks again.

“Please,” he says softly.

The other two–maybe three–of them are still arguing with each other. I can feel the tension building up in my chest, and I know if I don’t calm myself down a full blown anxiety attack is in my future. Picking at my nails, I release a slow exhale of air and make the split decision to crack open the door.

I peek out of the crack and find Blake looking like the teen that was part of my whole world, instead of the distant man he is now. A silky strand of his straight black hair falls over one of his gray eyes, and his lips are arranged in an apologetic sad smile.

Rolling my lips between my teeth, I’m ready to slam the door again, and he must sense it because he jams his booted foot into the crack, preventing me from following through.

“Can we talk?” he asks. The over the top teasing from before is absent from his voice.

I grip the door hard enough that I’m surprised it doesn’t crack under the pressure of my hold.

“I’ll keep my distance,” he promises, his eyes pleading with me to agree and let him in.

Without responding, I release the door and step back. He slips into the room and shuts the door, blocking off the guys and their now lowered voices. He inhales sharply and drags his fingers through his hair as he watches me.

“Why didn’t you defend yourself when we first realized who you were? You–” he trails off, shaking his head and swallowing while focusing on the floor at my feet. “It doesn’t matter. Rin, I’m not the same guy I was when we were kids. I don’t do relationships. Not real ones.”

Folding my arms over my chest, I step backward, putting some space between us. “I never said I wanted a relationship.”

He laughs but doesn’t bring his gaze back up to mine. “If you are anything like the girl I grew up with, you want a relationship.”

Finally, he lifts his eyes up to mine. The stormy gray in their depths makes my breath catch.

Releasing the air from my lungs slowly, I say, “I don’t think the old me exists anywhere but in an unfulfilled fantasy world. I don’t expect anything from the four of you, and I’m not coming in here ready to destroy your friendship.”

“That’s the thing, Rin. You being here, after all this time, it reminds me of what wanting to be with someone forever felt like. This mess,” he says, gesturing around the room as if there were a mess all over the place, instead of just inside each of us. “The things that are flooding back to the surface, the emotions you make me feel, they aren’t going to just go away.”

Denial at his words have me shaking my head, but he holds up his hand, silently asking me to keep listening.

“What if we belong together, and this is the universe's way of making sure we find our way back to each other?”

Is that hope in his eyes? I squash the idea before it can form fully.

“God doesn’t exist.” At least not a kind one. How else do you explain what I’ve been through?

“I didn’t say God. I said the universe. And once upon a time, you were my everything. My reason for waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night. My sun and moon, and every star in the sky. Everything, Rin. And I’m not sure that’s changed. Even before I knew who you were, I was drawn to you. I could feel you like a physical touch anytime you were in the same space as me.”

He inhales, his nostrils flaring wide as he tugs his fingers through his hair again.

“You broke me,” he whispers, the words grabbing hold of my heart and squeezing. His Adam's apple bobs noisily. “When you disappeared, I stopped caring altogether. I thought you deserved punishment for that. But I was wrong. I’m sorry for everything since you arrived. I’ve been an ass.”

I can feel myself wanting to forgive him, just like that, but I push the idea away. He isn’t the Blake I knew before, the one that I forgave for anything. I tighten my arms over my chest and don’t say anything as he watches me, waiting for a response. Waiting for me to say, ‘It’s okay.’ I miss all of them, but if he wants forgiveness, he will have to prove it.

“Is that all?” I ask.

He blinks. My words are like a smack to the face; I know they are.

I can’t help it as I soften just a tiny bit. “Thanks for admitting you’re wrong.”

He nods slightly, his lips pressing into a tight line. I know it is the moment that it sinks in that as much as he isn’t the same guy, I’m not the same girl. The question is, does the new him want the new me badly enough to show me?

CHAPTER 18

Blake

Hours later, I stare at my dark ceiling, Riley’s soft snores from his side of the room, keeping me awake. I can’t help playing the conversation over and over again in my head. The things I could have said differently. The things I could have done differently. The fucking ache in my chest at the idea that she may never forgive me.

---