Page 10 of Shattered Wings

“You’re so full of shit! You hate beer. You’ve always said that it tastes like piss water. Not sure how you know what piss water tastes like, but I’ll take your word for it.” Ellie sets her wine down, grabs one of pillows from the couch and tosses it at my head. My reflexes are cat-like so I catch it in one quick move.

“So are we going to have a conversation or what, Lach? I’ve known you for a long ass time. There’s something that you clearly need to get off your chest.” She has known me for a long ass time, longer than she even realizes. If only she could remember.

“There are some things I wanted to talk to you about. So many things Ellie. Remember how I just sat and listened to you earlier without interrupting? That’s what I need from you right now. There are a few things I need to get off my chest.” I won’t be able to tell her everything right now, but I’m going to tell her what I can.

“I’ll listen to whatever you need to tell me, Lach. The only thing I can offer you is a promise to be as quiet as I can. I’ve never been one to hold my tongue with you.” Damn straight! She’s always been a firecracker with me. She’s fierce and one day she will come into her own and recognize it.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it. I was there when Jax died. I was right by his side. Before he got shot, he was just standing there like he wanted it to happen. It was the weirdest thing. We’ve been on many deployments before. So I can say with one hundred percent certainty that he wasn’t acting like his usual self. He didn’t even lift his gun to shoot at the sniper. Ellie, he just fucking stood there. When he got hit, I moved over to him as quickly as I could. I did my best to stop the bleeding. He just kept talking about a letter and how sorry he was, how much he loved you and Blakely. He was dying, but you and Blake were the only ones on his mind. And he kept saying that I needed to protect you, keep you away from Ben. He was adamant you stayed away from Ben. I don’t really know what that was about, but I will say that I don’t think Ben is a good guy, and I’m pretty sure that Jaxon knew that. While I was trying to save him, I ended up getting shot in the head. It was more like a deep graze. But I’m fine, good to go. Just needed some stitches. I lost consciousness after being shot, so I have no recollection of what happened next. When I woke up, I was in a military hospital in Germany. The first thing I did when I woke up was ask about Jax. It was then that they told me he was gone. I’m so sorry Ellie. I’m so fucking sorry that I couldn’t save him. I was supposed to save him for you and Blake. Instead of him, I can’t help but think it should have been me. Please know that I would trade places with him in a heartbeat if it meant sparing your heart from all this pain.”

By the end of my ranting, I’m out of breath and my palms are sweaty. Those last few moments, right before everything went black, keep replaying in my head. I’ve always loved my job, but I’m really beginning to think this was the breaking point. I don’t know if I can go through all of this again. Losing my best friend, watching him die right in front of me, has mentally fucked me up. I’m happy that the military is giving me an out. I think it’s time I take it. “I never wanted any of this for you, Ellie.”

By the end of ranting, I’d swear that it seems like Ellie has already drunk an entire bottle of wine. If I thought the single tear from earlier hurt me, it’s got nothing on the tears pouring out of her beautiful blue eyes right now. Scooting closer to her, I pull her soft body into mine. “Let me hug you, Baby Doll. You aren’t alone anymore. I’ve got you. I promise that I’ve got you.”

She wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me in even tighter. “I can’t lose you too, Lachlan. If something happened to you, I don’t think I’d make it. Promise me you won’t leave me, swear it.” Oh God, I swear it. Whatever it takes, I’ll do everything in my power to be here for this woman.

“Baby Doll, look at me.” Taking my thumb and forefinger, I lift her chin up so we’re eye to eye. “You have my word, my promise that I’ll do everything in my power to never leave you or Blakely. The two of you mean the world to me. No matter what, I’ll be here for the both of you.”

Ellie leans up and presses her lips a breath away from mine. “Make me forget, Lach. Please make me forget just for a little while.” Fuck…this girl. How in the hell am I supposed to tell her no? I’ve never been able to tell her no. She moves back in and presses her lips against mine, so warm and soft. They slightly part for me to slip my tongue inside. The sticky sweet sugar and peach from the Moscato lingers, and a groan catches in the back of my throat as I taste her completely. She tastes so fucking good, she tastes like mine. Ellie presses her tight little body against mine as she grabs the back of my head, threading her fingers through my hair, pulling me closer. She’s consuming me. I want to take over, devour her, but I let her lead, let her take what she needs. Ellie is in charge here. God, this is so wrong. Jax would kick my ass. And I’d deserve it too. Why the hell are you thinking about Jax right now, dumbass?

A small gasp leaves her lips, and she pulls back. “Lachlan, fuck I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. I didn’t stop you. I wanted it too. It’s okay. We’re okay.” And it’s true. We are okay as long as she doesn’t spiral.

“It’s not okay, Lach. It’s not okay at all. Just give me the letter that you mentioned. Yeah, don’t think that I didn’t remember that part. I’ll go sit outside for a bit, and then maybe you can take me home. I just need to get out of this house for a while. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong.” Nodding my head, I run into the kitchen and grab the letter out of a drawer.

Walking back into the living room and handing her the letter has trepidation slamming into me. “Here you go, Ellie. I’ll be here if you need me.” I don’t know what’s in the letter, but I have a feeling it’s going to break her heart into a million jagged little pieces. At least she has me here to keep her together.

Jaxon

Illiana,

My dear, sweet angel. There are so many things that I need to tell you. If you are receiving this letter, that means that I won’t be coming home from this deployment. I tried, I really did. And I can’t possibly tell you how sorry I am for not making it back to you. I wanted to be there for you and Blakely more than you could ever know.

But there are many things that I’m sorry for. I’m sorry that I won’t be there to watch our daughter grow into a beautiful woman, just like her mother. You are the epitome of a wonderful mother, Illiana. You haven’t just been a great mother; you’ve been an amazing wife. I just neglected you. You unknowingly sat at home all these years, being a great wife, waiting for me, always waiting for me.

There’s no doubt about it, I have been one lucky bastard for having you by my side. I’m sorry that what I’m about to tell you will ruin the memory that you have of me. It’ll tarnish everything that we’ve built. It appears as though what we’ve built has been based on lies and that’s all on me. Please remember that I love you with my whole heart, Lia. I’ve loved you since I was a dumbass pubescent boy. That love never changed, but over the years, I didn’t love you the right way, the way you’ve deserved to be loved. There are many things in my life that I regret, but knowing that I’ve hurt you and am hurting you is the absolute worst one of all.

What I’m about to tell you isn’t your fault. You’ve been perfect. You’ve always been perfect. And maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I had the idea that I’d never measure up and never be who you needed me to be. Over the years, I’ve clipped your wings and that shouldn’t have happened. I know that I’ve held you back from reaching your full potential, from being the amazing woman that you were destined to be.

You don’t know this, but all of these years I’ve spent time running away from you when I should have been running towards you. Instead of running into your waiting arms, I have been running to other women. Maybe I felt like they could give me something that I couldn’t get from you. Now I know how stupid I’ve been. It’s too late; I can’t go back and right all the wrongs and sins that I have committed against you and our vows.

There were women in Colombia that I had relationships with. I was secretly always waiting for the other shoe to drop. One day, I just knew that you’d find out, and I’d lose you. I have deserved to lose you for years. Colombia wasn’t the only time that I have been with other women. Fuck! I hate myself, Angel. I really fucking do.

I’m sure you remember meeting Christina when you came to visit me while I was in AIT. She’s been around throughout the years, too. She sank her claws in, deep! So deep that I couldn’t pull them out. I’ve never loved any of these women, Angel. You need to know that. I’ve always loved you and only you. But I can’t sit around and make excuses for my selfish behavior anymore. Christina says that she’s pregnant.

Fuck, I hate not being there so we could work through all of this. I don’t know if she’s really pregnant and if she is, I’m not sure if I’m the father. We always used protection, that’s not an excuse. But even protection is not 100 percent. I shouldn’t have been with her at all. I can sit around and make excuses for all the shitty stuff that I have done but there’s no use for that now. It will do neither of us any good.

You need to know the truth. Christina isn’t a good person. I hate to ask this of you but you’re an amazing person with the biggest heart that I know. If this baby is mine, please find a way to get custody of them. She’ll taint them, ruin them. If anyone can love this baby like their own, it’s you.

I hate to put this on you but I don’t trust anyone else, aside from Lach. He’s a good man. He has been a great friend to you over the years. Please don’t be afraid to ask him for help if you need it. He’ll do it because he loves you and I’m okay with that. Hell, maybe he can love you better than I ever did.

Stay away from Ben. If he comes snooping around, please ask Lach for help. Ben isn’t a good guy and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t notice it before. Or maybe I did, but I was just too damn foolish to pay attention or do anything about it. Once I fell into his trap, I was stuck. There was no getting out.

My will is in the top drawer of my desk. Everything goes to you and Blakely. I paid off the house without your knowledge. All of my life insurance will go to you. There was a bank account created for Blakely’s college fund. Your names are on there and all the information is with my will, too.

My attorney will be in contact with you at some point. Mr. James has been handling my affairs for a while now. Going into the pre-planning phases for this deployment, I didn’t have a good feeling about how things were going to play out. There was this feeling deep in my gut that told me I would not make it. It felt like my time was coming to an end. I needed you to be protected and safe. I’m sorry that I went behind your back, but I had your best interest as well as Blakely’s in mind.

Always remember that I love you, Lia. I’ve loved you in this life and I’ll love you in the next. You tethered your soul to mine when we were children, and nothing will ever change that.

---