Page 79 of Forever Always

“Baby, I can see you spiralin’ right in front of me.”

I snorted. “Don’t know what you want from me. I don’t got nothin’ else to give. Just . . . leave me alone.”

The words felt like a knife in my chest, even before I heard Ri’s quiet gasp filled with pain. The bed dipped, and I almost gave in and turned toward him and took him in my arms where he belonged. But the weight of the day was just too much, and I couldn’t dredge up the energy, even for Riley. I was just too raw, too angry to take that step.

“Beckett . . .”

I shook my head. “Please, Riley. If you don’t back off, I’m gonna do or say somethin’ I’ll regret. And I’m tryin’ so fuckin’ hard not to take it out on you, but it’s hard right now.”

Riley sucked in a breath, and I could feel the tension between us.

“Becks . . . are you mad at me?” He sounded so young and innocent. It was my job to comfort him and assure him we were good, but I didn’t have it in me.

I knew deep down that this wasn’t Ri’s fault. The fucker had been planning this for years. Since the beginning, I guessed. He’d always been ready. As much as I kept telling myself that, it was still hard not to think that if he’d just let things go, Mr. Chase would’ve never acted on this. I’d never have to see those photos and realize how badly I’d failed my family.

“Ri, please, just fuckin’ go. I can’t talk right now.”

“I already feel like shit. Please don’t push me away.”

I sighed heavily as I opened my eyes. It felt like my head weighed 1000 pounds as I turned it toward him. “I don’t have the energy to make you feel better about yourself right now. I know you were tryin’ help me and get justice or whatever the fuck you were thinkin’, but there ain’t no justice for people like us, Riley. Just more pain and sufferin’, and I can’t fuckin’ do it anymore. So just fuckin’ go, and for fuck’s sake, stop tryin’ to help.”

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt awful. But by the time I could find it in me to fix it, Riley had already choked on a sob and run out of the room, the door slamming behind him. Fuck, that wasn’t good. Ri didn’t back down. Normally, he’d be right in my face, telling me all the ways I’d fucked up and not letting anything go till we’d made it right. I had to have hurt him badly for him leave like that.

I closed my eyes. This was better really. Then, once I could be sure I could speak to him without hurting him, I’d apologize and things would be fine. I needed to be alone now.

But as soon as I was, my throat started closing and my skin started burning as the walls closed in. I fisted the comforter, and tried to stay present, but it wasn’t enough. I dug my nails into my wrist, drawing blood. My throat tightened, my chest heavy. I needed more. I opened my mouth to call for Riley—I needed my butterfly—but no words would come. Why the fuck did I send him away?

There was something under the pillow. I stuck my hand under it, and smiled when I felt the knife. It was Ri’s and I had no fuckin’ idea why it was there, but I wasn’t complaining. Something calmed inside me as the weight settled in my hand. I flicked open the blade, my focus on the sharp steel. It would be so easy to press this into my skin and get some relief. The only thing that would matter was the pain. Beautiful, blissful relief.

I pressed the blade to my wrist. I pushed in but not enough to cut. Riley. I’d promised him I wouldn’t do this, that I’d go to him. But I’d also promised him I’d never push him away and I’d already done that, so what was breaking one more? It was his fault I felt like this anyway. If he’d just let it go, like I’d been doing for the last ten years, then everything would have been fine.

I bit the inside of my cheek so hard it bled. STOP. It wasn’t Riley’s fault. He was looking after me. I’d have done the same thing in his shoes. Oh, fuck that, I would’ve killed that fucker and anyone who even looked at my butterfly wrong if I ever found out something like that had happened. The streets would’ve fuckin’ been red with blood. No one in my path would’ve been left standing.

But I wasn’t Riley, and things worked differently for me. I took the hard shit so he didn’t have to. I was fine with that. I could deal with it. I had my past so locked down, I barely thought about it. Seeing Mr. Chase again awakened all this shit that I’d wanted to keep buried, and even if I knew Ri was right and I couldn’t ignore it anymore, it didn’t make it hurt any less.

I pushed the knife a little bit harder, my hand shaking as I betrayed my butterfly, but I couldn’t stop it. I needed a way out.

The door creaked open. “Riley, please, I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“Ain’t Riley, and I ain’t leavin’.”

“Jay?”

The bed sunk and I relaxed a fraction as I felt Jay’s body heat next to me.

“Yeah, man. Who the fuck else would deal with your sorry ass right now?”

I snorted, my lips quirking a bit. Not quite a smile, but still.

“Think I’m allowed to sulk.”

“True.”

I was still holding the knife, but I stopped pressing in. I had only nicked my skin, barely any blood. I rolled my head to look at Jay.

“Did Riley tell you what happened?”

“Nah, he just said somethin’ bad happened and you’re not doin’ so great. Said you wouldn’t let him in the room and was worried.”

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