Page 18 of Forever Always

“Shit. Sorry. I, uh. I’m sorry about earlier. I was a total dickbag to you.”

Shrugging, I tried to keep my heart rate under control. “It was fine. I shouldn’t have teased you like that.”

He looked up, confused. Becks’s fingers started to toy with the fabric of my sweats right above my knee. I wondered if he even realized he was doing it.

“What do ya mean?”

“I was never gonna text that guy, Becks. Never even thought about it until you pissed me off. And even then, it was for a fuckin’ second. I don’t want nothin’ to do with him.”

So many expressions flashed across Becks’s face in rapid fire, I didn’t have a chance in hell to decipher it. “So then why show me? I’m just tryin’ to understand this, butterfly. All of this is messin’ with me, and I can’t even figure out why.”

God, my poor Becks. I took a few steps forward so I was in between his knees and placed my hands on his shoulders, needing to touch him.

“I was bein’ stupid. Can we just say it was teenage rebellion a few years too late and call it a day?”

Becks wasn’t gonna let it go, but I could also tell he was all up in his head about it, and I didn’t want that. He had enough things to worry about. He didn’t need me and my ridiculous feelings added to it.

Still, it wasn’t a surprise when he stood up and cupped my face, not letting me look away. “Yeah, that’s not workin’ for me. This ain’t some kind of teenage rebellion bullshit. You showed me those texts for a reason. And I’m gonna be honest. I told Jay and he put some fuckin’ thoughts in my head that I can’t let go. Stop bullshittin’ me, butterfly. What were you tryin’ to do when you told me about fuckin’ Cole?”

Yeah, I was a terrible person, but just the way Becks said his name, like just the word caused him physical pain, made me all gooey inside. I was likely getting my hopes up for nothing and seeing things that weren’t really there. But it was hard not to as Beckett’s hand tightened around my face and he clenched his teeth so hard, I thought he was gonna break them.

“That . . . This was what I was goin’ for. It was terrible and fucked up, and I feel so fuckin’ bad. But this was all I wanted to see.” Becks was still holding my face, so my words were all mumbled and smushed, but he understood. He relaxed his hold, his frown replacing all that jealousy.

“I’m not followin’, Ri. You need to spell it out for me.”

I wrenched out of his hold, and turned my back to him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t possibly admit to what he wanted me to. It was so fuckin’ wrong. He was gonna hate me. Why did I have to push things? We were perfect. It was Becks and me forever. I never had to change anything. Sure, I’d always have this hole inside of me that could never be filled, but at least I’d have Beckett.

But now, I’d have to tell him how I really felt about him. And then he was gonna hate me and send me away. All the just the two of us bullshit wouldn’t mean nothing once he heard about the kind of sicko his little brother was.

“Riley.” Beckett’s tone meant business. It was the one that I usually had a hard time ignoring. But brat mode Riley was fully activated. I crossed my arms and shook my head, refusin’ to turn around.

“I-I can’t. I can’t tell you.”

Suddenly, big hands were on my shoulders and I was pushed against the dresser. I tried to pull away, but Becks’s hand wrapped around the back of my neck and he pressed against me, not given’ me an inch of space.

Beckett was everywhere. His spicy-scented body was the only things I could smell. His solid, tattoo-covered chest was the only thing I could see. Becks. Becks. Becks.

It was too much and not enough all at once. He wanted to know why I showed him those fuckin’ texts? He wasn’t gonna let this go? Fine. I’d let him know exactly why.

I shoved him back, which took him by surprise enough that Becks actually stumbled a step. It was all I needed. Our height difference made some things awkward and I needed the space. Before he could say anything or I could question my fuckin’ sanity, I wrapped my arms around Becks’s neck, going up on my tiptoes.

I was never gonna be able to say the words. Every time I tried, they’d just get caught in my throat. But I’d show him. I’d show him that I wasn’t a little kid anymore, that I wasn’t his baby brother. I was Riley, a grown man, and so madly in love with Beckett Cooks it wasn’t even funny.

This might be the worst decision I’d made in my life, but there was no turning back now as Becks tilted his face down in confusion and I lightly brushed my lips against his.

The kiss was barely there, barely touching, yet I still felt sparks shoot between us. I closed my eyes, as I got completely lost in the moment. I did it. I took that step and finally, fuckin’ finally kissed Beckett.

My arms tightened around Becks’s neck, but he stiffened. I opened my eyes just to realize Beckett was as stiff as a board, his expression horrified. I pushed him back, knocking him away, but I needed space and I was pinned against the dresser.

Oh God, oh fuck. What did I do? “I-I’m sorry, Becks. I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” I needed to get out of here. I’d fucked everything up. I wanted to move but my legs were like lead, gluing me to the spot and I couldn’t run away from my mistakes. All I could do was watch Becks as he stared straight ahead, completely lost.

Then he blinked and my Becks was back. Still, I knew things would never be the same all because I had to be a greedy asshole and kiss him. Who did that? Who kissed someone without even asking first?

“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered again. “I-I don’t know what I was thinkin’. I— Please don’t hate me.”

They were the magic words. I didn’t mean to use them against Beckett like that, but then he was back, right in my face but he didn’t touch me. It hurt more than I could say.

“Butterfly, I don’t know what it would take to get it through your thick skull, but I can never fuckin’ hate you. You could shoot me right now and you’d still be the best thing I’ve ever had in my life.”

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