Page 38 of Forever Always

Jay snorted. “Why? Why should I be sad? I should be fuckin’ elated I don’t have to deal with the crap anymore. Maybe I can finally get out of this fuckin’ hellhole now.”

“She’s still your mother, man. I get it. Trust me, I do. But no matter what, she’s still your mom. You get to be sad, or mad, or fucking happy. Whatever you’re feelin’, it’s okay. But fuckin’ feel it. Don’t shut down on me,” I snapped.

Jay huffed and shoved at me again. “That’s fuckin’ rich comin’ from you.”

“True. But that just means I understand how much you want to just shut it all down because feelin’ numb is better than the pain, right?”

Jay didn’t answer but he backed up a little. “Sure, so for a bit, it might feel better, but it only works for so long before the pain is back, and it’s been bottled up for so fuckin’ long, when it comes back to the surface, it’s impossible to keep down and explodes. And that’s when it hurts everyone around you. That’s when you end up lyin’ in bed for fuckin’ days, not remembering a minute of it because you held it in for so long. That’s when you end up bleeding in the fucking tub because you just can’t take it anymore. Please, Jay. Please, trust me. Just fuckin’ stay.”

I caught Riley’s eye from where he’s still standing behind Jay. They were wide and full of tears. The way he was looking at me now . . . it was breaking my fuckin’ heart. I couldn’t tell if it was because he remembered the day he’d found me just like that, or because of Jay, or a little of both. Regardless, I wanted to wrap him in my arms and keep him safe from everything. But then Jay’s choked cry reminded me what was most important, and I grabbed him before he crumbled to the floor.

“She’s dead, Beck. She’s fuckin’ dead.”

My arms wrapped tightly around Jay as I eased us both down to the ground. I smiled as Riley knelt on the other side of him, rubbing his shoulder.

“I know, Jay. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m just so goddamn angry. After all that, everything she put me through, she just died and left me? How dare she take the easy way out and fuckin’ die!”

I wasn’t sure there was anything easy about his mother’s death, but I sure as fuck wasn’t gonna say that. Jay’s heaving sobs were killing me as he buried himself in my chest. I held him as tight as I fuckin’ could, unsure what else to do. Ri and I weren’t the best people to handle this, but we were the only ones he had, and I wasn’t going to let him down.

I met Riley’s eyes over Jay’s head. Tears streamed down his face. Seeing him like that, all the emotions, made the memory of Mom’s death come roaring back so quickly, it took my breath away. With one arm tightly wrapped around Jay, I twisted my hand up and offered it to Riley, who squeezed it immediately.

“Shh, let it all out,” I told both of them. “It’s okay. I’m right here.”

Ri made a choking sound that broke me right there on the fuckin’ spot. I pushed him into Jay’s back so I could hold both of them at the same time. For once, I wasn’t lost in my own fuckin’ head. I still had so much to worry about, but right now, I could focus on the only bright spots in my life.

Eventually, the crying stopped. “I’m sorry I tried to leave,” Jay mumbled. “I don’t actually want to go.”

I chuckled into their hair. “I know, man. Then don’t fuckin’ go. Whatever you gotta do to handle shit, we’ll do with you.” I eyed Riley. “Except when you go on your interview.”

He snorted, his face blotchy from crying. “So fucking pushy.” I gripped the back of his neck.

“You better fuckin’ believe it.”

Both Jay and Riley laughed, and it was like a fuckin’ weight was lifted from my shoulders. We’d be okay. I’d make sure of it.

Six hours later, we finally dragged our exhausted asses back into the house. So much crap went into dealing with a dead relative, especially when they were broke and up to their eyeballs in debt. At one point, I’d met Riley’s eyes and we’d both decided we sure as fuck weren’t doing this when Dad finally kicked the bucket. But for Jay, we hadn’t said a damn word.

The only break we’d taken was when we’d dropped Riley off at his interview. I wouldn’t lie, I had been fuckin’ skeptical. Some asshole on the fancy side of town supposedly only hired people like us? I had doubts. What did he want with us?

But the money would be so much better than what he got at the gas station plus better hours. Not to mention, no jackass named Cole trying to flirt with him. ‘Course now, he’d have rich assholes trying get in his pants, which wasn’t fuckin’ better. It pissed me off thinking about it.

Jay and I had spent the whole interview sitting on a bench outside and googling Nathan Beckham, the owner of the restaurant Fish Market Bistro. It was a stupid fuckin’ name, but apparently the new hotspot for the upscale crowd.

I hadn’t found anything suspicious by the time Riley came out beaming because he’d gotten the job. All my concerns and doubts had disappeared when I saw him. Fuck, Riley deserved to smile like that all the time.

Now, though, we were finally home. Jay shuffled right to our bedroom, exhausted. We got him set up with some water, a Pop-Tart, and a couple of sleeping pills. Within minutes, he was passed out like a damn starfish in the middle of our bed, leaving Ri and me to cuddle on the couch, not that I minded.

Ri pulled up his old laptop, which was probably the first model ever made but was somehow still kicking. He put on reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, which he knew was my favorite. I didn’t know what it was about the over-the-top drama, but I was fuckin’ addicted. Today, though, I couldn’t focus. I shoulder-bumped him, getting his attention.

“Hey, can we talk a minute, butterfly?”

He glanced at me, his expression serious before he paused the show.

“What’s up?”

“A lot has happened and we haven’t had a chance to talk about it. I’m tryin’ to see where your head is at.”

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