Page 28 of Forever Always

“Fuck you. You’re not fine. Let me in!”

“No! Go the fuck ‘way, Riley.” I clawed at the lid but couldn’t get it up.

The door rattled on the hinges. “Beckett Cooks, open the fuckin’ door right now!”

But I couldn’t. Riley couldn’t see me like this. He couldn’t know. I was supposed to protect him. I couldn’t let him see how much of a fuckup I was. I wouldn’t.

I thought about everything that was changing between us. Well, Riley wouldn’t want me after this anyway, so there was no point thinking about it. I’d probably never get a chance to feel his lips against mine again. My head fell against the toilet, as I was unable to keep it up.

The door burst open. “Oh, Beckett.”

Riley fell to his knees next to me, and I broke down. I sobbed, but no tears fell. I dry heaved into the toilet, having nothing left. Riley never left, even when I collapsed on the floor, no strength left to hold myself up. He never left The last thing I remembered was him lying next to me, half his body on top of mine on the dirty bathroom floor when things got quiet and dark.

CHAPTER 11

RILEY

“I can’t come in tonight,” I whispered into the phone, hoping to not wake up Beckett. I didn’t think I would. After two days of pure hell, Jay got us a baggy full of Xanax that finally knocked him out. I didn’t know where he got it and didn’t ask. I was just fuckin’ grateful.

“You were the one who asked for more hours, Riley,” my boss at the gas station reminded me pointedly.

I leaned against the wall, and rubbed my chest. I got he had to run a business, but he didn’t understand.

“I know. I’m sorry, but there was a family emergency. It’s not like I planned this.”

“You begged me, Riley. Begged me for more hours. I took Derek off the schedule so you could work.”

Fuck. “I know. I know. But I can’t leave here.”

“I’m sorry to do this because I know you need the money, but you can’t keep calling out. If you don’t work tonight, don’t plan on coming in again.”

The tightness in my chest morphed into full on pain. No. This wasn’t happening. “Y-you’re firin’ me?” I hated how weak my voice sounded. “I’ve never called out before. Not till now. I always covered for everyone else. My brother needs me. Please don’t do this.”

I slid onto my ass on the floor of our room. Thankfully, Becks didn’t stir.

“I don’t want to, Riley. You’re a good employee. But I still have a business to run. You come in today, you still have a job. The choice is yours.” The fucking asshole hung up.

I was shaking as I stared at the phone and willed him to call back and tell me it was all one sick joke. How could he do this? I just needed one more day. I would’ve liked more, but we couldn’t go any longer without either of us working. Forget saving for college. At this point, I hoped we could pay rent.

Becks’ jobs were both cool and promised us they were secure, but he only had two more sick days left for the whole year at the factory and didn’t have nothing like that at the bar, so while he wouldn’t lose his jobs, he wouldn’t be getting paid if this lasted much longer. I had taken the last two days off to be with him constantly, but it couldn’t last. I wasn’t sure what to do if he didn’t get out of the fog soon, but we could manage just one more day.

Those stupid fuckin’ tears started to stream down my face again, but I wiped them away. Fuck them. And fuck the stupid gas station. I wasn’t leaving Becks alone like this, and I couldn’t even ask Jay. Just before I’d called my boss, he had gotten a call from the hospital that they’d found his mom finally and she was there. I didn’t know what condition she was in, but I wouldn’t bother him now. Becks was gonna feel guilty enough that he wasn’t there for him during this bullshit.

Beckett whimpered in his sleep. I couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed myself off the ground and climbed back into bed.

He looked so much younger and innocent like this. I needed to touch him. I brushed my fingers through his hair, and pushed it back. I’d managed to get him in the shower before he fell asleep and it was still a little damp. Becks wrinkled his nose, otherwise he didn’t stir.

Something stirred deep within me, though.

I’d always thought Beckett was beautiful, even before I was old enough to understand what that really meant. To me, it was just a fact. Becks was everything to me. My mom had faded from my mind over the years. I remembered her smiles and her being so patient as she allowed us to help her in her garden that she loved. I remembered the day she told us she was sick and her in that coffin. But every memory was hazy and fleeting. I tried to grab them and hold on, but they would always slip through my fingers. It didn’t help that Dad had destroyed everything that could help me, but whatever. It didn’t really matter much now, did it?

What I did remember was Beckett. I didn’t think he realized how much, about those first few years especially. I knew how much he sacrificed, how hard it had to be for a middle schooler to raise a kid. So yeah, Becks was always my hero, even before Mom died, but it had only amplified since then. And with that, of course I thought he was beautiful. Not as in “he’s hot,” but in a “he’s everything to me and I couldn’t ask for more” kind of way.

Somewhere along the lines, my feelings had started to shift from brotherly love and hero worship to more. What would happen now? Things had been a little awkward that morning before he’d left with Jay and I’d gone to work. I knew Becks needed time, and I was fine with that. He had promised me he wouldn’t shut down or push me away while he worked through his feelings. Would that change now? It kinda felt like everything was about to change.

My fingers ran down his face and to his bare skin. By the time I’d gotten him out of the shower, he was too out of it to help, so it took all my strength to just get him into bed, let alone dressed. I managed to get him in some underwear but that was it. We’d slept like this more times than I could count, but now I was afraid he’d think more of it. That I was trying to push him into something he wasn’t ready for. Fuck. This was such a mess.

I ignored the butterflies on his collarbone during my exploration. We never talked about them, but I knew they were for me. I was his butterfly after all. But they always made me feel things I had no business feeling, so I avoided them. Even now, I just didn’t know so it was better to leave them alone.

---