Page 27 of Forever Always

I threaded my fingers through his hair, and held on as tightly as I could without hurting him. My other hand snaked around his body, and I squeezed him even closer to me so there wasn’t an inch of space between us. I needed to feel him, know he was here. It was the only way I could stay out of my brain and be sure of what was real. I just fuckin’ needed Riley.

We knew we were weird and that this was fucked up. I was sure every medical professional and psychiatrist in the fuckin’ world would tell us we were wrong and that this was unhealthy and we were codependent. Riley had read enough articles on it for me to believe that was all true. But I also didn’t care. This was the only thing that worked when it got that bad. It was the only thing that calmed the itch under my skin, that kept me from thinking about him.

I never thought I’d see him again. It had been ten years since I last saw him. Of all my awful experiences with him, that last time was the worst. It was forever scarred into my memory and on my face, a reminder every time I looked in the mirror. I made sure he stayed as far away as fuckin’ possible from Ri and me. I’d thought that was enough. That I could push it all to the back of my head, lock it up tight, and move on.

Then Mr. Chase was right there. Just sitting with two kids right in the open, like he wasn’t a fuckin’ monster. He volunteered at a fuckin’ shelter? That meant every day, he was seeing kids who had no home. Vulnerable kids were easy prey. Like me.

I was gonna be sick again. I never thought past Riley and me, never even considered that we weren’t the only kids he saw. That maybe there were others . . .

My cheek stung. “What the fuck?” I glared at Riley. Did that little shit just slap me?

He didn’t even look sorry. His eyes blazed with worry. He propped himself up with one hand but was careful to keep the rest of his weight on me.

“Don’t leave me again, Becks. Stay with me.”

His words scared the fuck out of me. How long was I gone this time?

I tightened my grip in his hair. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

I really looked at Riley then. Dark circles marred his peachy skin like he hadn’t slept in days. His cheeks were red and blotchy with dried tear streaks running down them. His hair was matted with sweat.

My first response whenever I saw Ri crying was rage, Like I was gonna fuckin’ murder whoever made him upset. But this time, I was pretty sure it was me. Self-loathing was a feeling I was familiar with, but it was never stronger than when the tears ran down his face were my fault.

Eventually, the tension left his body and he went limp on me, once again actin’ like my emotional support blanket. I squeezed him tight and kissed the top of his head.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, unable to get any other words out.

Teeth sunk into my shoulder through my shirt.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Riley. What the fuck’s wrong with ya?”

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry! You always hate when I do that.”

I swallowed, trying not to let the guilt take over. Ri would be pissed. “Yeah, but I scared you.”

“So fuckin’ what? Did you do it on purpose?”

I scowled and tugged on his hair that I still held it like a lifeline. “No, ‘course not.”

“Then don’t fuckin’ apologize.”

I sighed. I wasn’t winning this. But then again, I rarely won any argument against Riley that didn’t directly have to do with his safety.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

We were both quiet after that. I had to take a piss, but I wasn’t ready to let him go yet. I knew once I got up, reality would hit again. This was far from over.

My eyes started to drift closed, and Riley’s breath evened out on top of me.

The next time I woke up, I had no choice but to get up. I made it to the bathroom okay, but then I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. It wasn’t current me that stared back. No, it was the 12-year-old version. The skinny, hungry, absolutely fuckin’ terrified kid that showed up in Mr. Chase’s office that day, so fuckin’ desperate and willing to do anything to keep him and Riley together and off the streets that he didn’t even realize what was being asked of him until it was too late.

Bile rose up so fast, I didn’t have time to make it to the toilet and got sick right in the sink.

Someone banged on the door. Riley.

“Go ‘way. I’m fine.” I slid to the floor and crawled to the toilet.

---