Page 61 of Always Right

Because she’d move on eventually. She would move on and be happy, and that would give me happiness, too.

At least with Hannah, I had closure but with the many things from my childhood, I never would.

“She’s a fucking ray of sunshine, isn’t she?”

I sighed, watching as Dylan sat next to me, offering me a cup of coffee. Hell, I’d left behind alcohol but was clinging to coffee to stay awake. I took it, holding on to the cup for dear life because I didn’t want to have this conversation with him...but I would. He knew it, too.

“Ask,” he said with a small nod. “It’s been years and you’ve never asked and now that I’m here, you should, because I don’t know if there’s going to be another chance.”

“Why? Because you’re going to leave again?” The question was full of hate, of resentment, and I didn’t try to hide it.

“No. Because you have a family now, and it’s time for you to close that chapter of your life.”

I scoffed, running a hand over my face. “Why did you leave, Dylan? Why was it so goddamn easy to leave? Why did you never check up on me? On mom? The woman was falling apart and tearing me apart in the process and you didn’t...fuck...you didn’t give a shit! You walked away and never looked back. Do you have any idea how badly that fucked me up?”

“I do,” he nodded.

“Then why the fuck did you do it? Did you not care?”

Ah, to close that goddamn chapter would be painful. I could feel it in the tightness in my chest, and it dawned on me, I never fucking let it go.

“Because I had to watch her fucking die, Dylan. I watched her doing drugs every goddamn day of my childhood. I walked with her to the fire station where she left Evie, and went with her so she could get her next high. I watched her destroying herself little by little with guilt, with every demon that followed her. And you...you were out there, having your own struggles but not once, not a single fucking time remembering you’d left behind a mother and a brother.”

My words, laced with venom, made him flinch. He swallowed thickly, looking at the fire as I spoke, not once meeting my eyes.

And perhaps I was unfair...but he didn’t know what it had been like. He didn’t know what I’d seen.

“I couldn’t do it,” he said with a shrug. “Six days before I left she OD’d.” My jaw clenched and I looked at my brother, watching how his gaze turned distant. “She swore up and down that she was going to stop. She fucking promised me she wouldn’t do it again, that she would be there for us and that she would be the best mom she could be. And six days later, I found her shooting up again. I couldn’t do it. I tried to take you with me, Derek. I did.”

Dylan laughed, looking down at his feet, his hands in fists. “You didn’t want to. You wanted to stay with her. That’s always been you, Derek. You love and you stay, you don’t walk away from those who you love. And I couldn’t go back. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to leave again. I know you went through a lot. I know I shouldn’t have left you alone...but you forget, I was a kid, too. I was just trying to survive.”

Survive.

That’s all I had been doing. Surviving.

Little did I know he had been, too.

“How long have you been sober?” He asked.

I cleared my throat. “Only a few months.”

Dylan nodded, glancing back at the cabin. “Well you need to stay that way. You have a lot, Derek, a lot to lose if you relapse. You have a family, two beautiful girls and I don’t know what happened with Hannah...but I know for a fact you have her, too. Move on. Leave the past behind. Our mom didn’t have the help we do. She didn’t have anyone to turn to. We do.”

“She had us,” I said.

“Maybe. But sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough.”

He was right. We sat in silence, watching as the fire died down, watching as that chapter in our lives came to a close. It had taken years to have this conversation, years for us to have the courage to talk about it and now that it happened and the anger had dissipated, I wasn’t sure what else to feel.

"She'd be proud," Dylan said, looking at me. I didn't meet his eyes, watching as the last flame evaporated. "She'd be proud of you, for having a family, for trying your best to be present. And she would be proud that despite her addiction, you loved her for who she was. Just mom."

I swallowed thickly, seeing from the corner of my eye how he stood up, placing a hand on my shoulder, a gentle brotherly action I never had.

"And for the record, I am, too."

I didn't cry. Fuck...I couldn't remember the last time I had but in that moment, something burned my eyes and I struggled to keep the sensation at bay.

Chapter 22

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