Page 15 of A Brilliant Spring

“Thanks, jackass.”

“So, I take it the will reading didn’t go very well?” Rhys scrubs a hand in the new beard he’s sporting and I clench my jaw.

“It went well. For Elissa and Collette.”

Rhys pushes off the doorframe and stalks into my office, settling in a chair in front of me and crossing his ankle over his leg. “What does that mean?”

“It means Harold never updated his will or put in any stipulations about marriage, so she got the company anyway.” Fuck. When I didn’t hear the stipulations for Elissa inheriting the company, the world shifted under me. I acted like an asshole and pushed her away. It’s not necessarily because the stipulations aren’t there. I’d rather Elissa choose to be with me and marry me of her own accord, but without those conditions, I’m scared she’s going to take off and leave me again, and I’ll be fucking crushed. Again. Rhys sits up straight, his full focus on me and interest written on his face.

“She fucking left you again, didn’t she?”

I grimace.

“Not yet. But who the fuck knows with her.” I slump in my chair and swirl around to face the window behind me, with weak beams of sunlight poking through grey, snowy clouds. I sigh, dropping my head into my hands and rubbing the frustration away. “I never fucking know with her. She seemed fine at the reading, though. I was the jackass today. I was the one who pushed her away. But I couldn’t fucking deal with the thought that she might break things off. God, I’m such a goddamn pussy.” Rhys doesn’t say anything, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad.

“Speaking of pussies. How are you doing, dad?” I spin around in my chair and give Rhys a mocking smile. His eyes darken and ice over.

“Not funny, dude. I finally booked an appointment at a clinic for a blood draw to find out if I’m the father. Riley’s still a bit pissy about it, but she agreed to meet me at the appointment in two weeks.”

“Two weeks is a long time. Don’t you think it’d be better to suck it up and just be a father to the kid that is yours? Deep down you know it’s yours, and once it’s confirmed and you get over this anger at Riley, you’re going to regret missing all the time with her and the early stages of her pregnancy. To be quite honest, I’m not even sure why you’re still mad at Riley for anything. You’re the one who fucking dumped her when she was going through something hard. You’re the one who screwed her without a condom and dropped her again right after. You’re the one denying his responsibility in any of the wrongs in your relationship. It’s not like you, man. I think you pushed her away because you got scared about how real things got so quickly for you. She’s your first real relationship that’s lasted more than a week.”

Rhys’ face hardens and turns a shade of scarlet, and his hands tighten into fists on his thighs.

“Fuck you, man. You’re one to talk. You just admitted to pushing Elissa away and she’s your first real relationship too,” he spits back at me. I laugh and he looks at me like I’ve lost it. I laugh again, a bit harder this time, and his face cracks. A few seconds later and he’s laughing along with me.

“We’re both fucked,” I say.

“Absolutely.”

•••

I return home later that night and I check my phone as I walk through the door, with a bag of tacos underneath my arm. I have a few ignored messages, about fifteen minutes apart from the last two hours.

Eli: So, you ran out of the lawyers’ office pretty fast today, and didn’t come into Black & Wells. Everything okay?

Eli: Do you want me to come over tonight, or are you coming here?

Eli: Okay…good night then.

Fuck. I’m such a dick. I just need time to process. But she hasn’t even given you any indication anything has changed. Yeah, I fucking know that. So, why are you still pushing her away? Why am I still pushing her away? Because you don’t trust her. No, that’s not it. It can’t be. I trust her. Sure, just not with your heart. Oh, shut up you fucking moron. Great…I’m arguing with myself.

I toss my keys and wallet onto the counter beside the food and shove my phone back in my pocket. I stalk over to the cupboards and pull down a plate and grab a beer from the fridge. The brown bag crinkles as I unroll it, and I lift out my paper-wrapped tacos as meaty and cheesy steam coils in the air, then place the tacos on the plate. Opening the fridge again, I grab the hot sauce and lace my tacos liberally. Sliding the plate across the island to the other side where the stools are, I grab my beer, twist off the cap and toss it into the sink, and round the counter to take a seat.

I shift my weight and drive my hand into my pocket to pull out my phone. Placing the phone on the counter, I side-eye it like it’s a bomb, ready to explode at any moment. I fist a taco, eyes still trained on the phone as I bring the taco up to my mouth and sink my teeth into it. Carefully chewing and still staring at the phone, I try to contemplate what I should do. If I’m being honest, I love her. I’ve always loved her, even before I really knew her. But I don’t know if I can go through the emotional rollercoaster of waiting for her to decide what she wants. My feelings are already all jumbled up in this messy arrangement — well, no arrangement now.

You’re not going to get any answers avoiding her. Ugh, I know. But I can’t deal with it right now; I can’t be that guy whose feelings are used as a doormat. Now that I’m no longer convenient for her, I can’t play fast and loose with my feelings. At least when she had to marry me, I had an end goal in sight. I had something akin to a promise that things would play out exactly that way. Now that she doesn’t have to marry me, we could go back to only being business partners, and I’m not sure if I can handle that.

I take a swig of my beer and rip another bite out of my taco. Mashing the food between my teeth, I almost take a chunk out of my tongue. Irritation and anxiety grip me like a skeleton clawing its way out of the grave. I’m at a loss of what to do, if there’s anything to do. Should I just let it play out and see what happens? Do I face this head on and ask her what’s going to happen? Or do I cut my losses — which will still hurt like hell — and walk away from the only woman who’s ever managed to wrangle herself into my heart? Sure, there was Lexi, but it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t the same as Elissa. Part of me is scared that if it’s not Elissa, it’ll be no one.

I toss my empty plate into the sink and rinse my beer bottle out before grabbing another one and tossing the lid into the recycling bin. I lean my back against the counter, crossing my ankles, and folding my arms with my beer in hand, staring off into the distance. This thing with Elissa, this…trying to have a real relationship thing…just started — I’m scared it’s not even going to have a chance to go anywhere before she bolts. And then what do I do? Go back to a miserable, Elissa-less existence? Fuck.

So, I don’t know what I am going to do when she no longer wants to continue this thing we have. I’m going to be a broken shell of a man. There’s one thing she can’t deny and that’s the chemistry we have. It’s electric, magnetic. It’s almost all-consuming. She’s practically all I think about, and I have a feeling I’m all she ever thinks about. Or at least, I hope.

Part of the problem is that I’ve had thoughts of Elissa walking down the aisle in a white silk dress. Decorated with floral lace, her cinnamon hair curled and loose like a red fountain flowing around her, with little sprigs of baby’s breath twisted into her hair. Sure, it’s not very manly of me to dream or think about these things, but I see them. I see her at the end of that aisle, walking toward me, carrying a bouquet of wildflowers and peonies, and her sapphire eyes sparkling and shimmering like jewels. I can see her in a few years from now, her belly swollen with my child. Her feet are puffy, so at night I rub her feet to keep the circulation moving. I can imagine being exhausted but excited to do those ridiculous midnight runs for food cravings. Holding her hair back when she gets sick, or listening to her stomach and feeling a kick on the side of my face for the first time. I see it all…with Elissa.

Chapter

Fifteen

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