Page 25 of Just a Little in Love

Rowan’s throat got tight for some reason. “I had pancakes with fruit once at school, and Mother got cross when she found out.” And he’d been dragged in front of the headteacher and they’d both been scolded about Rowan’s sensitive stomach and how he wasn’t allowed to eat them ever again. The next time his friends got pancakes, he just got an apple.

Daddy didn’t respond right away, just slid the pancake onto a plate that he put in the oven and made a second one. Then when it was cooking, he set the spatula down and came over. Even though Rowan was sitting down, Daddy still bent and hugged him. After a moment, Rowan flung his arms around Daddy and clung on. His throat stung and he couldn’t seem to swallow.

“How about,” Daddy said quietly, “that for today until you get the chance to speak to someone about what it was like growing up, we take today as a day of firsts?”

“What if I don’t want to talk about it?” he whispered. He was so ashamed. Most days he just wanted to disappear, although if he did that, he wouldn’t be having this day. And anything he had with Daddy was worth all the stuff that came before.

He was just scared of the after.

“What do you think about having a first day?” Daddy nudged.

Rowan’s throat eased a little because it hadn’t been what he’d expected to hear. “First day of what?” he managed to get out.

“You’re going to give yourself permission. You’re going to eat what you like, say what you like, and know that whatever you say, you’re in a safe space.” Daddy hooked his finger under Rowan’s chin. “You are allowed to be happy. In fact, as your Daddy, I declare you absolutely have to be.”

And so, Rowan ate two and a half pancakes. He ate the first two because they were yummy and didn’t finish the third simply because he was full. Not because there was a voice that echoed in his head about letting food control him, and he had to show it couldn’t, but just because he was full. Then Daddy declared they would watch a movie while Rowan’s tummy settled and then they would play some games. He had all sorts of things. Some boxes so new Daddy had to unwrap them, and in between, Daddy went and got the box out of Rowan’s car when he confessed it was in the trunk, and soon Bear and Frog were joining in the fun. Or watching, but they were allowed to watch, they weren’t just hidden away.

Rowan kept making sidelong glances at Bear because he wouldn’t have minded him being nearer, but he didn’t dare ask. But then Daddy had said it was to be a day of firsts, so Rowan pulled Bear next to him and Daddy just treated everything like it was normal, and Rowan had the best morning of his entire life.

Rowan heard Daddy’s cell phone ring and watched as Daddy smiled at him before he answered it. Daddy kept his gaze firmly on Rowan while he talked. “Not sure. Let me ask and I’ll text you back.”

Rowan’s heart did a little jumpy thing, but Daddy didn’t seem worried. “That was Daddy Patrick. They wondered if you wanted to meet at a little café for lunch near the hospital. Charlie had to go in for a meeting and Daddy Patrick is picking him up.” Daddy hesitated. “Daddy Patrick says it’s a safe space. It’s owned by a friend of Charlie’s.”

Rowan paused. He’d been coloring very carefully because he wanted to do his best work and had gotten lost in a world of puppies. “There’s no pressure,” Daddy said. “We don’t have to go anywhere today.”

Rowan looked at Daddy very carefully, trying to work out what Daddy wanted to do. Maybe Daddy would like to visit Daddy Patrick. He’d been really patient with Rowan, but he must be bored just watching him play and color, and then he felt a little shame creep in and bit his lips, looking down. Daddy must hate—

“Oh no you don’t,” Daddy said into the silence. “What did I tell you?”

Rowan gulped and looked up. “That today was a day of firsts.”

“And you were giving yourself permission to experiment and just do what makes you happy,” Daddy added.

Rowan considered the question. “What will happen afterwards?”

Daddy looked puzzled, but then he nodded as if he understood the question. “After we visit? If we go? Well, I hope you’re going to come back here. You’ll need a quiet evening after all the worry of the last few days, so we’ll watch a movie, then it’s a bath and an early night. You have a choice, of course.” He leaned forward. “If at any time you want to go to your dad’s, all you have to do is say and I can take you there right away.”

“I don’t want to go to my dad’s.” He wanted to pretend he was going to be here forever. He knew he wasn’t, but when he was little he could forget about everything else. When he was little, it made everything he wanted seem real.

Daddy regarded him thoughtfully. “Then I think we should meet Patrick and Charlie. It’s important not to cut yourself off from your friends.”

And Rowan smiled. Having the decision made was so freeing, and not like the decisions Mother made for him. The ones he hated but never got a choice in. He didn’t have to worry about these decisions. Daddy had said they were going, and he trusted Daddy. “You have time to get changed if you want to, but I like you wearing that, and I think you have a blue sweater that would be warm enough for the car.”

Rowan agreed immediately and almost skipped to the bathroom to change his pad, just in case. Then he had an awful thought. He only had another two spares. All the others were at Mother’s, but he didn’t want to go back there. He didn’t want to go back there ever again.

Charlie might know what to do.

If he got the chance to speak to him on his own. Which was silly, he supposed, because he’d been so out of it this morning he’d let Daddy put the pad on and never thought it was wrong, so he should be able to ask Daddy. He might have to think about that some more.

Daddy helped Rowan get comfortable in the car, and made sure he had his seat belt fastened, then he took the long way out of the neighborhood and pointed out the plots of land where the new houses were being built. “I’ve got a deposit on one that I have to make a decision on pretty soon.”

Rowan looked over. “You might not move there?”

Daddy huffed a little. “I want to change my job. I’m bored. I haven’t been happy for a while. It’s a good company, but I have to travel a lot and I’m ready to stay in one place.” Rowan twisted his fingers together and wished for things that might never come true. Would it be worse living close to Daddy when he wasn’t Rowan’s anymore? Because Rowan knew deep down that this was a fairytale. A really nice one, but it still wouldn’t be forever.

But then Daddy’s large hand settled on both of Rowan’s and Rowan’s fingers stilled immediately. “We’re going to have to practice telling each other things,” he said thoughtfully. “So we both get used to it. I’ll start,” and Daddy told Rowan about his sister and how he hoped they would meet each other very soon, and Rowan told Daddy about his degrees and that he really didn’t know what to do with them, and somehow he didn’t feel silly, or useless, because Daddy thought it was very sensible to take his time deciding. Somehow that explanation got them all the way to the café.

“I think I did them because I didn’t know what else to do,” he confessed suddenly and nearly held his breath.

---