Page 89 of Never Let You Go

“What do you mean? What’s hot?” It’s nice, it’s over the top caring. But hot? Okay, maybe a little.

Maybe more than a little.

“He’s got feelings for you. I can tell. And you have feelings for him.”

I huff. “Sarah, we don’t have feelings for each other. We’re just fooling around.”

“Why can’t you have feelings? Don’t be so cynical.”

“It’s just—You know how it is. I’ll get attached, and then, I’ll have to leave.”

“You don’t have to leave Vermont. You’ll be a gazillionaire. You can run Red Barn from anywhere. And, if you fail that exam you seem to think is freaking hard, you’ll marry him, he’ll put a bun in your oven, and you’ll live happily ever after selling his delicious croissants instead of Red Barn’s industrial shit.”

I chuckle at her preposterous ideas. “You’re such an idealist.”

“Realist! I’m a realist, Lexie. And you’re a closet romantic. This is what your life should be! Aww, I’m gonna miss you,” she says, pretending to whine. “Will you have a guest room for me? Oh, wait! That bedroom will be the guest room.”

“That’s not the plan for me.”

“Whose plan? Your grandmother’s?”

“Yes. And I know what you’re going to say. That she’s gone, and I’m free to live my life, now. But it’s not that easy, you know? It’s my family legacy, and maybe she wanted me to go back to the roots of baking and bring it back to the family business. That was her way of getting me on board, of continuing the mission.”

“First off, it was her mission. Not yours—”

“You know how family’s important to me. And Red Barn is the only thing that connects me to my family now.”

“Lexie. This is your life to live, not anyone else’s. Just go with the flow, seize the opportunities.”

I wish I could, but there are layers of my life that even Sarah can’t understand. “I am. The opportunity is to have fun while I’m here, possibly amazing sex, and that’s it. I’m seizing it.”

“All I’m saying is, don’t deny your feelings.”

I shut my eyes. “I can’t allow myself to have feelings. Christopher doesn’t want a relationship. He’s got his daughter, and he doesn’t want her to know about us. He wants to protect her.” Easier to blame it on him than to argue again with Sarah about why I won’t allow myself a normal life.

I carry a burden of guilt that no therapist has been able to shake off, and I deal with it by no longer wanting things I can’t have.

Like a real family.

“Hmm,” she says. “Okay, I get it. He just wants to fuck you in a decent place. Good for him for having taste.”

“Oh, wow. Classy, Sarah.”

“You don’t want to hear about feelings, girl. Deal with it.” She has a point, even if I don’t like it that much. “Oh and, let me know how your first full-on sex goes. And since there are no feelings, I’ll want all the juicy details. I’m in a sexual desert, right now, so I’m going to live my sex life by proxy.”

twenty-four

Christopher

Ican’t do this.

I know I said it’d be great to have some kind of relationship for the time Alexandra is here, but I’m freaking out.

Last time I opened up, laid it all out, set to buy a ring at the same time as a crib, the woman walked out on me.

It shattered me, and I didn’t even care about her as a person. I only cared because she was carrying my child. I was doing the right thing. The fucking right thing to do.

The day after I kissed Alexandra, I could not look her in the eye, knowing how she’d felt in my arms. How I wanted to help her out with whatever shit was going down with her boss. Just like I’d wanted to help Skye’s mother.

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