Page 30 of Yes, Love

“Don’t do that.” My voice was soft, and I drew circles on the back of her hand with my thumb. “Tell me more. How bad is it right now? What can I do?” I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do anything, but I wanted to do something.

“You can’t do anything. It’ll pass, though. And I know that now, unlike when I was fourteen and thought there was no escape.” Ava’s eyes darkened, and then she looked away. “It will pass.”

I slid a bit closer to her. Ava’s mind was truly in pain. “What do you mean, love? What happened when you were fourteen?”

“I told you I grew up in LA and hated it, right?” When I nodded, she continued. “Um, the uh, the reason we moved…” Ava took a deep breath and squeezed my hand. “I was in this really elite, popular group of ‘friends,’ and the pressure just got to be so intense that I started cracking.” She shook her head and swallowed. “I don’t know why I’m even telling you this. All you need to know is that I have clinical depression, and I’m having a shit week.”

“But is it bothering you? Do you need to talk about it?”

Ava’s body froze, and she gazed at the trellis-patterned carpet with glassy, unblinking eyes. Finally, after what felt like a solid minute, she spoke. “I’m having flashbacks, and they’re making it worse. I usually talk them out in therapy, and it helps.”

I ran my fingers through the ends of her golden hair and then let my gaze travel over her face. I could see the storm again beneath her mask. I wanted her to feel safe enough to let it out. “Tell me about it then.” I made sure to keep my voice soft and steady.

Ava’s eyes drifted up to meet mine, and she gave me a curious look. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

She let out a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Okay.” Ava’s bright blue eyes popped open but stayed glassy. “I was a late bloomer. The tits didn’t show up until high school, so I looked like a ten-year-old boy when I was in middle school. The rest of my friends got pretty and teased me about looking like a dude. It was good-natured at first, but it started getting vicious.”

Ava closed her eyes again and slid her hand from mine so she could wrap her arms around herself. “Then, one girl that was supposed to be one of my best friends started tormenting me. She cut my hair off after I fell asleep at a sleepover party. When I cried, everyone just laughed at me and said I looked even more like a boy.”

Ava wiped a tear from her cheek, and I slid my arm around her shoulders. “Bloody hell, that’s awful,” I mumbled.

Ava nodded and continued. “Another time, she stole a pair of dirty underwear from my laundry basket and gave it to the guy I liked. It was so humiliating because I’d started my period unexpectedly, so there was blood on the panties and everything. She told everyone that it was proof that I was actually a girl.” Ava’s voice cracked, and tears streamed down her cheeks now. “All of my so-called friends just laughed. No one had my back, and the guy I liked told me I was disgusting. I…” Her shoulders shook with sobs, and my heart lurched.

“What is it, Ava? I’m here.” I reached out and wiped her tears with my thumb.

Her voice came out in a choked whisper. “This teasing and bullying bullshit went on for a couple of years, and when I was fourteen—”

She looked away, and we sat in silence for a few beats before Ava spoke again. Her voice sounded hollow and weirdly detached. “I got so depressed that I was in physical pain. I couldn’t get out of bed, and my parents thought I had mono or something. I was so sure that I was nothing but a burden and a complete waste of space. I was certain that I made everyone’s lives worse and that life would never get better. So…I took a bunch of pills one night and tried to kill myself.”

She shrugged and swiped at her tears with both hands. “I mean, obviously, it didn’t work because I’m still here.”

I tugged her into my arms and stroked her hair while she sobbed into my chest. “Fuck, Ava. I’m so sorry.” What the hell kind of sick bastard would bully another human being like that? Echos of drunken, angry shouts filled my head. I knew exactly the sort. Bullies and monsters came in all shapes and sizes, didn’t they?

“Sh, babe. I’m here. I’m here.” I pressed my lips to the top of her head and held her while she sobbed.

“I never want to feel like that again. I never want to feel so low that death feels like the only escape. ” Ava’s shoulders shook, and she sputtered on her words. “It’s terrifying to feel like that, to hate yourself so much that you want to die! I’m so scared.”

“Shh…” I stroked her hair and kept my arms around her until her sobs quieted.

“I’m sorry,” Ava finally whispered. “I hate it when I get like this.”

“Don’t apologise.” I kept one arm wrapped tightly around her and tipped her chin up to make her look at me. Her cheeks were streaked with dark black makeup, and her eyes were still soaked with tears. “Ava, do you want to hurt yourself right now?”

She shook her head and tried to look away.

“Hey, look at me, love. There’s nothing wrong with you, all right? There’s something wrong with that bully. There’s something wrong with the people that think they can say shit about you like there’s not a living, beating heart in here.” I pressed a hand against her chest.

Ava blinked those bright blue eyes at me. “Okay.” Her voice was hoarse.

“Do you believe me? I’m not lying to you, Ava. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“I hear you, Dom. I hear my mom when she says it. I hear Dr. Courtney. My head just screams louder sometimes.” She rested her head against my chest again and whispered. “I’ve never told anyone but my parents and therapist about the LA shit. You must think I’m insane.”

I wrapped her in my arms a bit tighter. “Not at all.” I took a deep breath. “Why don’t I tell you something private that I’ve hardly told a soul? Even the score a bit?”

Ava tipped her head up to meet my gaze. “Yeah, that might help.”

---