Page 55 of Rock On

There was no shame in getting wild between the figurative sheets. Harley and I had done that in spades when we’d been together. But bringing someone else into the bedroom had to be done cautiously, and I’d thrown caution to the wind, even knowing that Carter had a crush on her. Except it wasn’t a simple crush, and I’d known that too, but we’d always downplayed it because it was easier. On both of us.

And that one moment of… what had it been? Weakness? Wildness? Something else? Whatever it was, it had cost me almost everything. Somehow, I had to come to terms with the fact that I’d brought this on myself. If I hadn’t given Carter the go-ahead, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, and we’d probably still be married.

Fuck.

I had to stop thinking that way.

Too much had happened for us to find our way back to each other, and deep down that had always been my hope, that she would come back and tell me she’d made a mistake. That didn’t seem to be the case, though, and I had to accept it.

“Hey, Tommy.” Allisha smiled as I walked into her office and Harley, who was already there, smiled too.

“Hey.” I sank into a chair, wincing.

“Knee sore?” Harley asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. I might have pushed too hard at therapy.”

“You’re postponing those L.A. shows so you don’t have to push too hard,” she admonished me. “Give yourself time to heal.”

“Yes, dear.”

We all laughed, and Allisha got up to close her door. “So, what do we want to talk about today? I take it you’re both feeling better than you did yesterday?”

“I am,” I admitted. “Well, I take that back. I feel better about some parts of it, but other parts still bother me.”

“Such as?”

“I’m still really fucking hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to come to me when you found out you were pregnant,” I said, speaking directly to Harley. “I know you say you wanted to protect me because you knew I’d be upset about the baby, but you had to know it would hurt me when you left. The only thing you said was that our marriage wasn’t working anymore. I still don’t know what that means, so imagine how I felt then. How did you measure the different types of pain?”

Harley chewed on her lower lip. “I guess I figured you’d find another wife or girlfriend without any problem. You’re Tommy Bane from Onyx Knight—you have your choice of almost any woman you want, in any city, all over the world. Eventually, you’d get over me. But me having your best friend’s baby… that would always hurt. That would always be right there in your face, showing off the one thing you couldn’t give me. You wouldn’t even entertain the notion of adoption. How were you going to react to seeing mine and Carter’s child every day?”

That much was true.

Early on, we’d talked about “someday” having kids, maybe three or four.

We’d loved the idea of a family.

But we’d also loved each other.

“But we were…” I shook my head, trying to find the precise words to describe how in love we’d been. “Jesus, Harley, we were soulmates! How could you just walk away from that without even giving me the chance to decide if I was okay with your pregnancy?”

“I had to make a decision,” she whispered. “I made the one I thought was best at the time.”

Neither of us spoke and the peacefulness of our conversation at breakfast seemed to disappear, replaced by a whole new set of negativity and frustration.

“Tell her what’s on your mind,” Allisha encouraged. “We already know that keeping things inside doesn’t work.”

“I’m just mad you blew up our marriage without giving me a chance. That’s the part I can’t seem to get past.”

“I’m sorry.” Her eyes were sad. “But I was thinking of you and the band. What would happen if you couldn’t forgive Carter for getting me pregnant? Would you leave the band? Would one of you have to quit? There was a lot at play, and I didn’t want to be Onyx Knight’s Yoko Ono.”

As usual, I’d only been thinking about myself.

I hadn’t given a second thought to how it might have impacted the band.

“Put yourself in Harley’s shoes for a moment,” Allisha said gently. “Think about what you would have been worried about.”

I rubbed my hand down my face impatiently, trying to imagine a scenario where I was the one considering leaving Harley.

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