Page 42 of Rock On

“What do you mean?”

“He didn’t leave instructions to keep his son a secret—he left everything to you and River, with instructions to the band to be there for the two of you. He knew, even in his own personal purgatory, that it was time to set the record straight. I’m sure he didn’t like lying to Tommy, and in setting himself free, he set all of you free as well.”

Tears puddled in my eyes.

“I tried so hard to love him,” I whispered. “I wanted to love him as a man, a lover, the way he loved me. But I couldn’t.”

“Because of Tommy.”

“It was always Tommy.” I gave her a watery smile. “No other men existed from the moment we met. He was a struggling musician who’d just moved to L.A. from the Midwest. I was the consummate California girl back then, modeling and acting and following my dreams. And then he became my dream, even before we got serious.”

“Did you give up your dreams for him?”

I paused. “Yes and no. I honestly didn’t give anything up, I just found other priorities. As Tommy got more successful, we also got richer, so spending every day sitting with a hundred other blonds at casting calls became more of a chore than it was worth. I can’t blame him because he supported anything I wanted to do, but it got old after a while. Then we went on tour… our lives changed drastically when the second album came out and went platinum.”

“So there was a lot of money.”

I nodded. “More than either of us had ever seen. We were smart enough to immediately set up savings accounts and hire someone to manage our money, but we still blew through a lot of it. We were living the ultimate dream.” I smiled sadly. “And having so much fun. We never fought, never raised our voices at each other… everything was perfect until we started trying to get pregnant. It gutted him to find out he couldn’t give me a baby. The first argument I can remember us having was when I brought up adoption. He was vehemently against it.”

“Do you know why?”

“He never had a good reason, just that it wasn’t the same.”

“So, you gave up your career and then eventually gave up your dream of becoming a mom.”

I’d never thought of it that way, but that was essentially what had happened.

How the fuck had I allowed that to happen?

“I guess so.”

“It seems to me you sacrificed a lot for him.”

I frowned. “But it never felt that way. He loved me. He took care of me. He gave me anything I wanted.”

“Except a child.”

“I think I would have worn him down eventually on adoption.”

Allisha didn’t respond, merely watched me as I continued.

“Normally, he gave in when I wanted something. So it never occurred to me he wouldn’t this time as well. We just never got a chance to find out.”

“I think he was selfish,” she said. “Yes, there was a lot of money at stake, but it seems to me you did everything his way. The fact that he was sterile wasn’t his fault, obviously, and I’m sure that was difficult for him, but it wasn’t your fault either. It doesn’t seem right that you put everything you wanted on the back burner to follow his career.”

“It wasn’t like that. He didn’t make me go on tour or anything.”

“No? Just like he didn’t make you agree to a threesome?”

My cheeks felt hot as I thought back to the life we’d led when Onyx Knight had first taken off. It had been all about him, but how could it have been about anything else? They’d been on the verge of mega stardom and all of us were just along for the ride. Things had been moving too fast for me to stop and analyze who was giving up what. Tommy’s dreams were coming true, and I couldn’t have slowed down enough to think about my own even if I’d wanted to.

The threesome was something else altogether.

No one had forced me to do anything.

If I’d said the word “stop” everything would have come to a complete standstill. I knew that with every fiber of my being. That was one of many reasons I hadn’t said it. I wasn’t afraid of being physically harmed. In fact, the sex that night had been beyond my wildest dreams. Being with two men had been incredible. I’d come so hard it was a little embarrassing, but I never would have initiated something like that. Somehow, somewhere deep in my psyche, I’d known nothing would ever be the same.

I’d been aware that Carter had feelings for me that went beyond friendship.

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