Page 12 of Rock On

After last night, it was a nice distraction to have her here today, watching the boys play while Presley and I had lunch. She had a sweet smile and easygoing personality, was bright and witty, and also incredibly patient with me. I didn’t always return calls or texts in a timely manner, and she didn’t hesitate to threaten to come drag me out of my house if I canceled plans too often.

And of course, despite my attempt to cover it with makeup, she noticed the hickey on my neck immediately.

“Damn, girl… that’s one hell of a love bite.” Her eyes twinkled with amusement. “You seeing somebody or was this a one-nighter?”

I hated to lie but I couldn’t begin to explain the insanity that had transpired with Tommy at the cemetery. I liked Presley, and I didn’t think she would judge me, but I knew how it could look to someone who didn’t know us very well, so it was easier to be vague.

“No, I’m not seeing anyone,” I said quietly. “Just one of those things, you know.”

She cocked her head. “How come? I mean, you’re smart and beautiful. You’re independently wealthy, so you’re not some gold digger. Why aren’t you dating?”

“I’m thirty and divorced with a toddler. To a lot of guys, that’s baggage.”

“Then those aren’t the right guys,” she said.

I shrugged. “Probably not, but that doesn’t make meeting nice guys any easier. And to be honest, it’s hard to consider a relationship with some random guy after—” I abruptly cut myself off.

“After?” She seemed genuinely curious.

“After Tommy,” I whispered, dropping my gaze. I wasn’t embarrassed that I felt this way, but it was still difficult to talk about him to anyone other than Wynter. And Presley didn’t know the whole story. I couldn’t expect her to keep secrets from Z, and if Z knew, chances were, he’d tell Tommy.

“I wish you’d tell me the real reason you left him,” she said after a moment, all but reading my mind. “If you’re worried I’ll tell Zeke, I won’t. I’m allowed to keep my friends’ secrets as long as they have nothing to do with our family or marriage.”

Hearing Presley say she wouldn’t tell Zeke broke through my defenses a bit. I could only talk to Wynter so much about things because she’d been listening for years at this point. It was old news to her. Presley would be fresh ears at a time I needed someone I could open up to.

“I guess the simplest version of the story is that Tommy, Carter, and I had a threesome that resulted in me getting pregnant with River. I thought Carter was wearing a condom but there had been a lot of drinking, so I hadn’t noticed that he didn’t. I don’t know if you know this, but Tommy can’t have kids. He had the mumps as a teenager and wound up sterile. It’s a huge bone of contention for him, because before he had the testing, we’d always talked about having a family. He desperately wanted kids, and for a long time, he felt like he was letting me down by not being able to give me a biological child.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Presley spoke softly. “And no, I had no idea about that.”

“When I found out I was pregnant, I knew how much it would hurt Tommy to look at me pregnant with Carter’s baby. Having to raise another man’s kid would have killed him. Originally, I thought I’d just get rid of it, but I couldn’t. I already loved it and wanted it. When I talked to Carter, he was all in, on board to be a dad. He would have married me if I’d been willing.”

“He loved you.” There was no censure in her voice.

“He did.” I managed a tiny smile, staring over at River, who looked so much like his father it was sometimes painful. Dirty blond hair that was a little too long, caramel-colored eyes, and a slightly upturned nose. Carter had hated his nose, and he’d playfully insisted we would allow River to get a nose job when he was older.

“Did you not love him?”

I sadly shook my head. “Not like that. The only man I’ve ever truly been in love with is Tommy. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. Which brings us back to why dating is so hard. Frankly, after being married to Tommy, and being best friends with Carter, I’m not sure any other man could possibly measure up.”

“Those are big shoes to fill,” she agreed. “But Carter’s gone and you let Tommy go… what choice do you have? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?”

That was the zillion-dollar question.

Because I didn’t want to be alone.

I was already so damn lonely I couldn’t stand it.

The idea of living the next fifty years like this made me want to cry.

“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted. “Mostly, I want to be the best mom I can be for River. And any man who comes into my life is going to have to be okay with the fact that River will always come first.”

“That’s admirable and respectable, but the thing he needs most is for his mom to be happy and healthy.”

“I’m happy,” I protested, even though the words sounded hollow even to me.

“You’re a hot mess,” she said with a soft chuckle. “And I say that with love. I haven’t known you that long, but I can see how much weight you’ve lost since Carter died. Anyone with eyes can see your dark circles, and I’ll never, ever make someone feel bad about their sex life, but we both know you’re looking for something you’re not going to find in all these one-night stands you’ve had.”

“There aren’t that many,” I murmured.

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