Page 13 of Rock On

Well, not anymore.

Right after Carter’s death I’d been desperate for something, anything, to make me feel like I was still alive. There had been a lot of random hookups. Mindless, gritty sex that I’d hoped and prayed would stimulate my soul. Then about six months ago, one guy had gotten a little too rough, leaving me with a black eye, and I’d stopped having sex completely.

That was a long time for me to go without sex, which was probably why I’d lost my mind when Tommy touched me.

“Have you found a new therapist?” she asked. “I know you dropped your last one.”

“No.” I paused. “It gets expensive, you know?”

She made a face. “Seriously? Because Carter didn’t leave you his entire fortune.”

I flushed.

It was weird seeing how much money I had because Carter had, indeed, left me everything. A good chunk was tied up in trust for River, but he’d never have to work a day in his life if he didn’t want to, and neither did I. Carter had put a bunch of stipulations on River’s trust, like only getting a stipend until he finished college. He would get access to half when he turned twenty-five, and the rest when he turned thirty. Everything else was at my discretion, along with the ridiculously generous trust he’d also left for me as well as control of his interests in everything related to Onyx Knight, so I tried to be respectful of my spending even though I didn’t have to be.

“It’s okay to use the money for yourself,” she said gently. “If he didn’t want you to have it, he wouldn’t have left it to you.”

“I know. It’s just…” I paused, trying to articulate what I wanted to say. “It’s hard because I’d give up every dime if I could have him back.”

“I know, sweetie. We all would. But death was his choice. His demons were more powerful than anything else in his life.”

“I guess I feel a little guilt too. Like maybe he’d still be alive if I’d been able to love him back.”

“Girlfriend, don’t do that to yourself!” she said firmly. “He was an addict. There was no way to save him. You know that.”

I did know it.

That didn’t make it any easier to live with, though.

FIVE

Tommy

After I dropped off Harley, I’d driven around for a while. Then I’d dragged my sorry ass home and stood under the shower hoping to relax. Sleep was still a long time coming and by noon, I was up, wandering around my apartment aimlessly.

It had been a home when Harley lived here with me. Now it was just a glorified storage unit where I could lay my head when I wasn’t on tour. The band and I were almost finished recording a new album, and we were going to embark on a world tour soon. Normally, I couldn’t wait to get out on the road, playing music and partying with my friends. But it would be different this time.

Not only was the dynamic different without Carter but the guys were all paired off now, leaving me the sole unattached member of the band. Zeke, our lead guitarist, had married a sweet girl named Presley after they had a baby together, and he appeared to be loving life as a husband and father. Kingston, our illustrious lead singer, was living with the band’s new bass player, Devyn Cates. They’d fallen hard and fast after she’d joined the band, and while I was happy for them, I’d never thought King would settle down.

Then there was Kellan, who’d fallen for Devyn’s best friend, Jesse. They’d split up over the summer but had just gotten back together, so that made it unanimous. An entire band of people in love.

Except me.

My life had been a series of never-ending one-night stands since my divorce, enjoying groupies in every city we played in. No emotion, no commitments, no nothing. Just sex and partying. I’d hoped that would be enough, but it wasn’t. Nothing was ever enough. Not since the divorce and definitely not since we’d lost Carter.

The worst thing was, I didn’t have anyone to talk to.

The guys in the band were like brothers to me, but as men, we didn’t discuss those kinds of feelings, when you had to dig deep and be vulnerable. There had been some bonding and soul-searching after we lost Carter, and they’d all been there for me during the divorce, but it simply wasn’t our dynamic to discuss things like broken hearts. Except for Carter. He’d been the one I could talk to, but now that I knew the truth, all the talks we’d had post-divorce felt tainted.

For two years, he’d let me vent about how Harley had just walked away from our marriage and the life we’d built. He’d let me continue to wonder what I’d done wrong, or what I’d missed, that had caused the end of my marriage. It had eaten at me since the day she’d served those papers. Meanwhile, he’d been with her behind my back.

That was the betrayal that hurt the most.

He’d left me a letter after his death, asking me to forgive and forget, to go back to Harley. To help her raise his son. To be a family.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I’d met River a few times when he was at the house, but he was just a baby. There was nothing to say or do when it came to him. On the other hand, up until last night, I hadn’t spoken to Harley since before our divorce was finalized, and I hadn’t even known about River until after Carter died.

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