Tommy
Why the hell hadn’t I tried to talk to her before now? Even if I’d discovered she was pregnant and had a child, there would have been some hurt, but we would have gotten past it. If we’d just talked through things, whether it was just the two of us or maybe even with Carter, so many things would be different.
I didn’t harbor any illusions that Carter would still be alive—his demons went much deeper than unrequited love—but maybe he wouldn’t have done it quite so soon. Maybe he would have hung around a few more years so his kid would remember him. Or maybe not.
That was water under the bridge.
Right now, I was focused on Harley, trying to keep her eating and talking without upsetting her even though I still had so many questions. This was undoubtedly just as difficult for her as it was for me, but we had to keep pushing forward. If for no other reason than my sanity.
I couldn’t keep hating the love of my life.
She didn’t love me anymore, but we didn’t have to be enemies. There had to be a way for us to move on, even if we could only ever be friends.
It still broke my heart, but it didn’t hurt as much as it had before.
“Allisha suggested that this was Carter’s parting gift to us,” she said softly, startling me.
“What do you mean?”
She met my gaze as she nibbled on a piece of bacon. “He knew that by telling everyone about River, and me by extension, you and I would be forced to talk and clear the air. He had to have known how upset you would be when you found out, but he also probably knew it would force you to make a move, talk to me, and get answers.”
A prickle of shame washed over me.
Even in death, my best friend had my back.
“He worried about you, you know,” she continued after a moment. “If I’d returned his feelings, we would have been a couple, but he told me from the beginning that the three of us would have had to sit down and talk about it. He wasn’t willing to sneak around. Not for that.”
It didn’t make sense, but if you knew Carter, it did. He would worry about his friendship with me before almost anything else. Partly because of the band but also because of his attraction to me. It was twisted in a way, since he obviously had feelings for both Harley and me, but he was gone, so there was no point in trying to pick apart his psyche.
“But he was willing to hide his kid.”
“That was all me,” she said. “I wanted that. I didn’t want you to know because I was worried about not just how much it would hurt you, but how it would impact the band. You couldn’t truly take it out on me, so you would turn on Carter, and I couldn’t bear it. You two were like brothers. Not to mention the rest of the band.”
“But he wanted to be with me.”
She shook her head. “Please don’t be offended, but he wanted to fuck you. He was in love with me. And it broke his heart in so many ways because not only did I not love him back, not romantically, but he felt guilty for betraying you.”
“I hate that for him. I fucking hate this whole thing.” I pushed my plate back. “I hate that he’s dead. I hate that his kid is going to grow up without him. I’m really fucking pissed at him right now.”
She nodded. “Believe me, I understand. I’ve already gone through all of those emotions. I miss him but I’ll never truly forgive him for leaving his son. And me. But mostly his son.”
“The two of you were close since, uh, since River was born?”
“Very. We talked every day, multiple times a day. When he was on the road, he video called often, texted me, sent gifts, he was the only thing holding me together sometimes.”
“You’re stronger than that, Harley.”
She shook her head. “I don’t feel strong. Especially not in the beginning.”
“Strong enough to raise a little boy on your own, no matter how hard it is. Strong enough to ask for help once you realized you needed it. Strong enough to carry the burden of secrets just to protect someone who didn’t deserve it.”
Her eyes snapped to mine. “Don’t say?—”
My phone rang, startling us since I hadn’t thought to silence the ringer.
“Sorry.” It was Z calling, and I quickly sent the call to voicemail. He was probably calling to check in.
“I just was saying that—” Her phone went off this time, and the name on the screen was Madeline Aronson. That was odd because Madeline was the band’s attorney. She also handled the business end of anything to do with Carter’s estate.