Page 76 of The Summer of ’98

“This isn’t a decision that you need to make right at this moment.” She picked her purse up from the floor and retrieved an airline ticket. She slid it across the table as she spoke. “There is no pressure from me. But there are options. So, think about it. For you. You are welcome back with us whenever you like. And honey, you don’t need to give up your relationship with Leroy. No matter what you choose.”

I stared at the ticket on the table and nodded, not able to get a word out. I was vaguely aware when Eleanor stood up and took her leave. It was such a whirlwind. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. But what I did know was that she meant it. She wasn’t pushing me in one direction. She was letting me know that whatever I chose, I had support. And that was more than what I’d been given by my own mother.

I spent the rest of that afternoon thinking. Seriously thinking. I sat in the empty bathtub with a pen and paper—not to write pros and cons, but just to have something in my hands that I could focus on. Lately there had been a lot of avoiding thoughts and refusal to face the truth. Now, I was one hundred percent dedicated to facing this and making a decision. It was time to stop pretending like the situation would sort itself out.

The house was still hot at eight o’clock that night. The windows were open, the curtains ruffled in the breeze, the aroma of spaghetti and meatballs made me feel a little ill as Momma and I sat at the table. The food wasn’t entirely to blame, though, I was wound up over the conversation that I needed to have with Mom.

“Momma,” I said as I twisted the strands of spaghetti around my fork. She glanced up and I flinched at her expression. I don’t even think she realized she was doing it, but she didn’t look at me the same way anymore. There was a constant disappointment in her gaze, and it hurt so much.

“What is it, Ellie?” she asked.

“Oh,” I dropped my fork and began scratching my neck, which was feeling hot and flushed. “I just. I need to say something, and I want you to keep an open mind because, well, it’s—”

“Spit it out.”

“What if I wanted to keep the baby?” I blurted and felt my heart rate speed up as her stare hardened.

“How many times do we have to go over this?” she said. “No.”

“But what if I could support myself. Financially?”

“It’s not just about finances, Ellie. It’s about the rest of your life. It’s about being held back from opportunities because you’ve got a child. It’s about being tied down to one man. Because this is about Leroy, correct? That’s what this is about. Being with Leroy because you’re in love and it all seems so easy right now.”

“This decision isn’t about being with him, Momma. It’s about the fact that I’ve bonded with this child and I want to raise him or her. And yes. I love Leroy. He’s a wonderful man. What’s wrong with that?”

“What’s wrong is that it’s unrealistic. Men like that don’t stick around. Not at that age. You’ll end up alone with no room to move left or right because you trusted some boy that offered the world to you and he made promises that he clearly never intended to keep.”

“You’re making this about yourself!” I shouted, my blood pressure rising. “You had a bad experience. That doesn’t mean it’s going to end like that for me.”

“You’d like to think so,” she snapped. “Your father was a wealthy man. Handsome. Sweet. All of those things and as soon as he was faced with impending fatherhood, he left. He wanted no part of it. If I was smart, I would have seen it coming and perhaps if I hadn’t been so young and stupid, I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes.”

“Oh.” I slammed my hand on the tabletop. “I’m guessing that I’m the mistake?!”

She didn’t answer, instead keeping her gaze downcast as she drank her water. I could feel myself becoming more wound up by the minute.

“Well, I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me and a dead-end job and no love life, but Leroy and I aren’t you.”

“That’s the naivety that lands you in hot water. You think that you’re untouchable.” She laughed as though I was a stupid little kid that knew nothing at all. “You’re like every other young couple who wants to believe their love is different.”

I stood up and leaned across the table. “It is different!”

“You’re being stupid!”

My whole body was humming with tension and anger. I couldn’t believe that this was the woman who had raised me. She had always been a bit pessimistic and on the controlling side. But this was different. This wasn’t my momma.

“They want to support me. No matter what I choose. They want to help me. I don’t have to struggle.”

“If you believe that there isn’t a catch, you’re being extremely dense.” She leaned back in her seat and folded her arms. “You can’t trust people like that.”

“You’re wrong.” I attempted to regulate my breathing. “You don’t know them. They’re good people. You’re just being selfish.”

“I’m looking out for you!”

“No, you’re not!” I tugged on my hair and held in a piercing scream. “You’re stopping me from having what you never could: happiness and the chance to succeed. You don’t like the fact that they have money and you don’t want me to be a part of that kind of family.”

“Of course I don’t,” she scoffed. “Money changes people. Ruins them. I don’t want you to be like that.”

“If it’s the money that ruins them,” I hissed, “then what the hell is your excuse?”

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