Page 36 of Meet Me in Berlin

She brushes a strand of hair from her face and takes a quick look, nods her agreement then drains her wine.

I place my camera back in its bag and pick up my own glass. ‘Tough week?’

‘Just full-on. Work, day care, housework, cooking. It’s relentless,’ she says with a heavy sigh.

‘At least Marc helps you.’

Her face softens, the way it always does when her husband is mentioned. ‘He does.’

‘Tom does fuck-all.’ I slice off a wedge of brie and squish it onto a cracker.

‘He mows the yard,’ Nat offers.

‘Mmm.’ I finish chewing. ‘That takes about fifteen minutes because it’s so small.’

‘Everything okay at home?’ she asks.

I sip my drink and glance out the window at the bustling laneway as I think about the best way to answer that. ‘Has Tom said something to Marc at work?’

She shakes her head. ‘No. Not that he’s mentioned, anyway. You said you’d been arguing a bit, and…’ Her eyes fill with concern. ‘You just seem really down lately, Hols.’

I stare into my pinot gris. I haven’t told Nat the full extent of my feelings about my relationship, but she knows me too well not to pick up on it. ‘I guess I am a bit.’

‘Are you unhappy? With Tom, I mean.’

‘He’s just … not what I want. He’s lovely. But our lives are just so bland. We hardly go anywhere because he never wants to spend money. I feel like I do everything and he takes it all for granted. Never a thanks or let me help with that or let’s go out for dinner. And now there’s his kid. His kid, for fuck’s sake.’

Nat frowns as she listens to me vent.

‘I don’t want to be a stepmother to an eight-year-old who hates me. Or even to one who likes me.’ I sigh. ‘Tom’s a good guy, and he looks after me. He makes me feel safe, but it’s not enough. I need passion and someone who can’t get enough of me and brain-shattering sex. At least for some of the time.’

Nat lifts a brow and one side of her mouth lifts.

‘I’m being unrealistic, aren’t I? I should be happy with what I have.’

‘Well, to have that stuff all the time is a little unrealistic, but it’s okay to want more from a relationship.’

I peer into the crowd and a woman at the bar meets my gaze. She’s attractive, with smouldering eyes, thick, dark hair and glossy red lips. She gives me a sultry smile and turns her attention back to her friend.

‘Jesus, how sexy is she?’ Nat says. ‘I think you’ve got a fan.’

‘She smiled at me. I don’t think that means I’ve got a fan.’ But I sneak another glance at her as I sip my wine.

‘Do you miss being in a relationship with a woman?’ Nat asks, following my gaze. ‘Is that it?’

‘Sometimes,’ I admit. ‘I miss Lily. The way we were before it fell apart.’

Lily, the one who helped me trust again. The one I was ready to spend my life with, until she started pushing for marriage and children. ‘We’re too young and my dad is so ill, let’s wait,’ I’d said. But she was a few years older and didn’t want to wait, so she found someone else. She just forgot to break up with me first.

I brush the thought away and change tack. ‘Tom’s already hounding me about finding a new job.’

Nat rolls her eyes. ‘Christ. You only lost your job yesterday, with a year-and-a-half pay! Take some time out. Now’s the perfect opportunity for you to think about what you actually want.’

‘I have thought about it.’ I fiddle with the H pendant on my necklace. ‘I want to pack a bag, take my camera and go somewhere.’

Nat loads some prosciutto and oily artichoke onto a crispbread. ‘Like, for a couple of weeks?’

I shake my head. ‘Like a one-way ticket and see where it takes me.’

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