Page 37 of Meet Me in Berlin

Nat stares at me, wide-eyed, until she finishes chewing. ‘You really are unhappy.’

An emptiness unrolls in my chest. ‘Yesterday afternoon was the best I’d felt in a long time. I spent hours walking around the city, finding the most interesting things to photograph. I was so focused that I didn’t even think about losing my job. It reminded me how much I loved taking photos when I travelled. Then on the walk home, it hit me that I could travel again, if I wanted to.’

‘You walked all the way to Hawthorn from the city? It was freezing yesterday.’

‘I needed the thinking time. I can’t breathe here, Nat. I don’t think I can be with Tom anymore. I can’t look after his child, and it’s breaking me to watch Mum deteriorate. My whole twenties were spent helping to look after Dad until he died, then Mum, and then that horrible break-up with Lily. Now I have to look after Tom and Jack?’ I shake my head. ‘I’m thirty-one and I feel like I’m fifty-one.’

Nat gives a sad smile. ‘Then you have to do it.’

I feel a swell of gratitude that she gets where I’m coming from. ‘You think so?’

She nods. ‘I hate the thought of you not being here, but if you don’t go, you’ll always think about it, and you’ll become more resentful.’

‘But Mum … I worry about leaving her.’

She gives my hand a squeeze. ‘She might be like this for years yet. And you can’t sit around and wait for her to completely go. Maybe talk to Adam and see what he thinks?’

‘He’ll tell me to go.’

She releases my hand and picks up her glass. ‘Well, then. It’s decided. So, where will you start?’

I drink the last of my wine and splash in some more, then top up Nat’s. ‘Germany, maybe. I’d like to go back to Berlin.’

Nat’s eyes widen. ‘Berlin? Oh, you mean an open ticket overseas? I thought you meant to Perth or something.’

‘Nope, Europe. I’ve been a few times, but there’s so much to see and capture on film.’

Nat narrows her eyes suspiciously. ‘I remember you telling me once about a Berlin fling when you were there for uni. Are you still in touch with her?’

Heat rises in my cheeks. ‘No. I never saw her again.’ What I don’t say is that experience affected me in ways I can’t explain, and I need closure if I’m going to get on with my life and find someone to be truly happy with. ‘But she hurt me badly,’ I continue. ‘And I couldn’t enjoy Berlin after that. I want to create new memories and enjoy the city again. Kind of reclaim it, you know?’ I shrug. ‘Then I’ll go somewhere else. Vienna. Paris. London, visit Aunty Carol and my cousins. Might even go to Wales to see some of Dad’s relatives.’

‘Then go. It might help you put things in perspective.’

‘Thanks, Nat.’ I survey the bar crowd, suddenly remembering why I’m here. ‘Oh, shit.’ I grab my camera. ‘I’m getting paid to take photos. Back soon.’

Just as I stand, Caleb appears and puts another bottle of wine on the table for us.

‘Another one!’ Nat says. ‘Someone is going to have to carry me out of here.’

Caleb points to a buff bloke behind the bar. ‘Have you seen the muscles on my hubby? He could carry both of you at the same time.’

Nat laughs and tops up our glasses. ‘In that case…’

‘I’ve got some great shots so far, Caleb,’ I say, flicking through the images.

He grins as he looks at the monitor. ‘I knew you were the right choice.’ He gives me a wink and heads back behind the bar.

The woman from earlier watches me as I move into the crowd. I hold her gaze and lift my camera. She stares down the barrel of the lens, her mouth forming into a sexy half-smile, and I shift to the right so that the low light above falls across her face in a soft shadow. I press the shutter several times and walk away, not trusting myself to speak to her when I feel a longing in my soul and a fire between my legs.

I pull three plates from the cupboard and clatter them down onto the benchtop.

‘I can’t find my work shirt,’ Tom calls from the hallway.

‘Look in the laundry,’ I shout back, pulling the frying pan off the hotplate.

‘Not in there,’ he yells.

I toss the steak onto the plates. ‘I’m busy here, Tom!’

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