Page 132 of Camera Shy

“Uh…”

“I thought you were flirting back.” Her eyes grow wide. “I’m a little high right now. I’m sorry, I should’ve asked. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“No, no, um, you were sending clear signals. I could’ve spoken up.”

She presses her hands against her cheeks. “No, it’s my fault. I just assumed we were connecting—”

“Oh, I’m not—” A lesbian? “You’re pretty. I just—” Have never dreamed of being with a woman. “I’m here with Finn. I don’t know what he’d think.” I settle for a half-truth so I don’t seem too rude.

“Oh,” Cass replies, seemingly relieved by my explanation. She places her hand on my knee. “Don’t worry. Believe me, he prefers if we start without him.”

My heart sinks to my toes. He’s done this so much that he has a preference?

Cass tries to kiss me again and this time I lean back. “Cass, I’m sorry. I’ve never done this before. I’m…I don’t…”

“Wait.” Her jaw drops. “You and Finn don’t share? I thought you guys were…”

“We’re dating, sort of. I’m not…we don’t do that…”

“Oh fuck. Avery, I thought that’s why he brought you to my birthday party. We do this every year.”

If my eyes get any wider, they are going to pop out of the sockets. She covers her mouth when she sees my expression. “Shit. You didn’t know?”

There’s a lot I didn’t know until tonight. “So let me get this straight. Every year at your birthday party, you, Finn, and another woman have sex in the champagne room?”

She chuckles nervously as she shrugs her shoulders and cringes. “It’s a tradition?” Now she outright laughs. “Oh, I misjudged this so hard. Finn usually has a type, so I just assumed—”

“A type?”

“Oh, not looks-wise or anything like that. It’s just the girls he’s with are usually adventurous. But look, it makes total sense. Of course, after Nora, he’d want a simple, nice girl. I’m sure he’s more than content with the two of you. I did not mean to offend you.”

Content. There’s that fucking word again.

I’m on information overload and it’s not a good time for me to be making decisions. But I’ve already had one man leave me because I’m boring in the sack…

I grab Cass by her shoulders and pull her back to my lips a little too aggressively so our mouths collide but so do our noses. It’s a clumsy mess and I pull away before I hang my head in shame.

“Sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Hey,” she says softly. “You shouldn’t feel pressured. You don’t have to do anything. Do you actually want to try this?”

I nod sheepishly, feeling out of my body. What the fuck are you doing, Avery?

Shut up, brain. I’m trying. I said this summer was about taking risks and exploring myself and my body. So that’s what I’m doing.

Cass rubs my back sweetly. “Well, first thing to remember is that the way you and Finn have sex is very different from this, okay? You save all the emotional connection for just you guys. This is just physical. So just do what feels good, okay? Safe space.”

She tucks my hair behind my ear again. “In my experience, this is a little easier the first time if you close your eyes.”

My heart is knocking hard, and I know it’s from excitement, but it’s not the right kind of excitement. The first time Finn stripped me down in front of the mirror, I was terrified, nervous, but so excited because what was on the other side was something I desperately wanted. I wanted to rip the Band-Aid off. I wanted to know what it’d be like for him to see me. I wanted to see me too and like what I saw in the mirror.

But this? This feels like getting a tattoo of something I’m not sure of. I’m going to endure the pain of the needle, and then the end result will mark me forever. What’s my motivation? I can’t give Finn what he wants. I can’t move here right now. Maybe in a year or so, when Palmer’s on her feet? But maybe this…

Maybe if I do this it can hold him over.

To want to keep me.

I clamp my eyes shut and blow out a deep breath. “Go ahead, I’m ready.”

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