Page 8 of Lost In London

Sitting in his room with neither of us speaking felt intrusive to the wailing of his soul that screamed for him to get help.

“I loved her, London. I made her my wife. She gave me kids. I gave her all of me and she…” He clenched his jaw so tight I flinched for him.

I doubt he felt it. I doubt that a small amount of pain and discomfort was noticeable compared to the pain that covered him.

His skin was even warmer than normal. I felt his heat through my long sleeve shirt. AC on 65 and he was warmer than the weighted blanket I used for my anxiety. Then his eyes… I just wanted him to stop hurting. I wanted him to find happiness again.

“Lo,” he mumbled my name low but with such an urgency that I shifted until my body faced him and my eyes were locked with his.

Putting down the blunt, his heated hands grabbed mine as his eyes pleaded and begged me to see him. To understand him.

“Don’t be like them. Please don’t. If I… If I can’t be what you…” I wanted to wince from the tightness of his squeeze on my hands but I returned the pressure.

To see him, Cassian Kalmin, the man whose strength and loyalty were envious by those who wanted to walk in his shoes without knowing the tribulations it took for him to get his badges of honor, could barely speak a full sentence. Pride and the uncomfortableness of being so naked and vulnerable had his tongue twisted in a kiss so bitter he was shaking and those undertone red hues coating his caramel skin had ignited his temperature to rise.

Finally focusing on me with clear vision, he spoke the vows, the declaration that would seal us together for eternity.

“If I can’t be the man you need me to be. If I can’t protect you or if I become someone you don’t like.” By my hands, he pulled me closer until our foreheads rested against the other and eyes still locked. “Give me the opportunity to change, London. Tell me what I did wrong before you leave me. I-I can’t take another betrayal. I can’t take you leaving me too. Promise me, London. Promise that you won’t leave me.”

With so much ease and peace, I sealed my fate. “I promise.”

One Year Later

I heard them before they made it to the door. Ever since they saw me wearing my favorite Karoo sandals one morning those two little ladies begged for a pair of their own. Feather-opened-toed pumps in the brightest colors. Yes, that’s what they wanted and that’s what they got. Cassian hated it but gave in and bought them several pairs. I smiled, eyes still closed, knowing they were probably dressed in their new custom fleece robes and sandals.

Tai and Melly were the definitions of sassy little divas and I loved every bit of it.

“One day I’m going to burn every pair of heels in this house starting with yours,” Cassian grumbled sleepily as the click-clacking of their little heels got closer.

Lifting his head from the pillow, he mugged me with crust in his eyes and dried up drool around his mouth. “Quiet them shits before I do. A nigga can’t even sleep good before y’all start with this royal shit, and how the hell are they up before their alarm goes off?” Right as he said that the high-pitched alarm he programmed in all the kids' rooms went off.

Jumping up before he could start fussing, I slid my feet in my feather sandals, tied my robe, and opened the door right as Tai’s little fist lifted to knock. “Shh. Your Papa is still sleeping.” I whispered with a finger over my lips.

Eyes bright and big, they nodded and stepped back so I could step out and close the door. While I managed to tiptoe across the hall in my heels, they were mimicking soldiers marching with high knees trying to keep their shoes from making noise. Once we made it to the spare bedroom Cassian had transformed into our glam room, I closed the door and got to work.

The girls turned on the lights and opened the blinds. I turned on the sound system that played our brown skin girl playlist. Music ranged from gospel to Beyonce. I lit our favorite rose scented candle and walked into the bathroom with them behind me. Instead of the original single sink, Cassian had it reconstructed into three skins. A whole custom bathroom and vanity fit for a princess or divas as my little friends like to say.

Together we brushed our teeth, flossed, and we sat at our vanity to start our skincare routine. Yes, I made sure everyone in the house had a skincare routine and followed it every day. The products the girls used weren’t the same that I used of course. Since they were still so young and hadn’t started going through puberty, I asked Atlas what they could use to put on their skin. That turned into him creating a kid-friendly SPF vitamin e and aloe oil. Very light and harmless. Cashton and Massey on the other hand had oils and washes to combat puberty trying to give them the blues with pimples.

“Lolo, can I wear my pink lip gloss today?” Melly dabbed three dots of her fragrance-free moisturizer on her face. Tai was two steps ahead and moisturizing her whole little body.

“Sure. After you put your uniform on you can use it.” This was our morning routine and I loved it. It’s been this way for the last year.

365 days.

Today was the one-year anniversary of the night I tried to commit suicide. So much had changed in that short but long period of time. I haven’t been to New York in a year and a half, and spoke to my parents on facetime more than I saw them in person. For my birthday this year, Cassian became a silent partner and helped me open a juice bar down here in Fort Lauderdale. On top of that, I was in the final rounds of getting my program Let’s Juice N Be Berry approved for government funding so it could be implemented in schools as a new source of nutrition.

Every day was a struggle, I won’t even lie.

There were days when I felt like giving up because the memories never silenced themselves. However, my days brightened by being around those who loved me. I remember when Cassian asked me what made me happy. I told him I loved being girly. He didn’t understand what that meant so I had to break it down and tell him I enjoyed taking care of myself. Loved loving on my skin. Loved going to Pilate classes. Loved pretty clothes and sexy heels. Loved smelling good, getting my hair and my nails done.

I truly loved everything it meant to embody a woman.

He listened and created a world where I could start thriving. And while I appreciated having my own glam room, loved filling my day with running my business, and having fun with the kids and the biggest man-child of them all. I had a hard time healing and moving on.

I never thought I’d be living my own version of the seven stages of grief. Denial hit me first. Then that big, ugly bitch depression. I don’t think I touched on the bargaining level yet. Acceptance wasn’t even in my reach. But anger, oh I wore her daily. She lived in my skin.

“You good?” Cassian watched from the doorway as I unwrapped the girl's satin head wraps. Not only did they like dressing like me but they loved wearing their hair like mine too.

---