Page 5 of Lost In London

Taking the sharp edge of the scissors, I tried to stop the pain – I cut six slashes into my left wrist. That shit hurt and the sight of all the blood made me queasy. Then my mind decided to get more diabolical and reminded me of the blood that was on my hands from touching my battered vagina that night. Shame kept me from going to the hospital or even asking Keatyn to check me out knowing something was wrong down there. It’s been weeks and I still hurt.

Smearing the blood from my cuts all over my arm I started wickedly laughing until those laughs turned to sobs.

I told you not to go.

“Stop talking to me.”

I told you he was dangerous.

“Stop talking to me.”

Revenge is the Lord’s.

“Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.” I slapped my face to stop that loud, thundering voice. It was the same voice that warned me an hour before I left the mall that day. The same voice that screamed louder when I got in Elgin’s truck, and the same voice that taunted me when I walked to my house.

Was I only worth a thundering voice for a warning?

Why not send diversions? Other people got burning bushes, parted seas, and sticks turned into snakes. All I was worth was a voice I’m not even sure was truly God or not.

All my life I wanted someone to protect me. I had a father, a strong father, but his strength wasn’t there when I needed him. He did nothing when I exposed other people’s abuse. Landon never protected me how I needed a big older brother too.

Before Elgin snatched my phone that night I called both Landon and my daddy. Called repeatedly only to get no answer. It wasn’t until days later that they returned my calls but by then it was too late.

The damage had already been done.

They’ve never been there when I needed them most.

If the first man in my life that I ever loved, the one God had chosen to be my father couldn’t protect me. If my one and only brother, the second man I ever loved, couldn’t protect me then how could I trust anyone else to?

None of the men I dated and sexed protected me. I move down here, and I finally get what I’ve been wanting – an army of men ready to slay all my devils. These men, even the women were about that life.

But God refused for me to open my mouth and let the words come out. Kept screaming in my head that revenge was His. Well, last I checked Elgin was still alive and breathing. Still overcharging people for funeral fees. How was that revenge? He walked around unscathed while I was barely surviving.

Pushing open the balcony doors, a sharp gust of wind smacked me in the face quickly drying all my tears. Cassian placed me high up on the twenty-third floor. A blessing in disguise. In all my underwear glory, I stood there taking in the beautiful night view. The moon rested calmly over the ocean's waves. Walking with purpose, I leaned against the rail and closed my eyes. My heart was calm, finally slowing after a long-exerted day. My tears were still bountiful, but the wind was quick to step in and dry them. Those bullets of pain had subsided. I felt peace even if it was just for a glimpse of a second. It was enough to confirm what I needed to do.

I had no friends to talk me off the ledge. All of the girls I was friends with in New York stopped calling and responding to my texts the second I expressed wanting to change my image while in Miami. A few laughed. A few didn’t understand, and the last bit of them ignored me completely. I went from having a clique of friends to being alone.

I had nothing of value to offer them so they didn’t need me.

Dragging the coffee table over to the rail I climbed up. One leg over, planting my butt sturdy, and then my other leg. I’ve been scared of heights all of my life but now I felt like I was born for this.

Over the loud music, I heard the high pitch ringtone from my phone but it was of no use. Whoever it was could continue to live life without me. For all I know it was probably Elgin calling, wanting to talk like he wasn’t the main source of my misery. No longer would I be someone’s body to do with as they pleased. Looking down below I started laughing seeing all the bodies moving around. People really looked like ants high up.

“Whoa.” A hard gust of wind hit me so hard in the chest. Had I not had my legs locked around the rail and my hands gripping it tight I would’ve fallen before I intended to.

“I get it, God. I have to take back my power.” My phone kept ringing. “I have to take matters into my own hands since you care nothing about me. I’ll save myself because I won’t let you put me in the path of another monster.” I shook my head crying. “I just wanted to have love. That’s all I wanted. That’s all I ever wanted. Why couldn’t they love me?” Sobs shook my body and tears battled with the wind. “I’m taking back my power.”

Taking a deep breath, poking out my chest, I released my legs from around the rail as my eyes closed. Pushing my upper body forward and releasing my right hand then my left, I was about to release myself to freedom when strong arms wrapped around me pulling me back.

The hard impact of us hitting the concrete balcony floor caused us both to groan in agony. “What the fuck, London?” Cassian yelled.

I don’t know what he was doing here but he needed to leave. He wasn’t about to stop my destiny.

Wiggling out of his arms, I stumbled to my feet hissing in pain. “What the hell.” He’d kicked the door off its hinges. “Why are you here?” I turned around pissed.

Limping behind me, he looked so angry. I don’t think I've ever seen him so upset. “What the fuck do you mean why am I here? How about your extra dumbass tell me why you would think to do something like that?” His lethal words snapped the sadness and depression off of me. “Do you know what the hell I went through tonight?” He was breathing hard, borderline wheezing.

“A damn door apparently!” I yelled back.

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