Page 4 of Lost In London

I had to hum down the vomit tickling my throat. Can’t believe I wanted to look regal for that monster.

For the rest of the party, I blended in with everyone. My fake smile was overlooked because nothing could ever be wrong with me, not London. There was a time when I’d do anything for attention and validation.

Can I honestly say that it stopped?

At least the attention part did.

Clearly me going to see Elgin showed I was still the same broken little girl searching in a lonely world for validation. Most probably wouldn’t understand why since I had both of my parents, my brother loved to spoil me, I was one of social media’s top influencers, and the list went on.

I cried wolf far too many times with my family for them to believe anything that came out of my mouth.

Even with all that, I was still searching for genuine love, affection, validation, and attention from the ones who could make me feel worthy. That award goes to my naiveness and low self-esteem. Yes, the girl who had a closet that would make Donatella Francesca Versace envious had low self-esteem.

All day Tai, Melly, Nova, Ari, and Massey clung tight to me. They always have since I was first introduced to the family. The girls loved my clothes, my shoes, and my makeup. Always wanted to talk about the most random things. Just as they clung to me because I was sparkly and different, I clung to their innocence. Their angelic aura was so refreshing.

And then there was Amell reading the truth hidden in the darkest corners of my soul with a subtle glance. He never said much to me. Very respectful but didn’t ask me questions. It’s like he didn’t have to because whatever he saw when looking at me told him enough. The vibrations coming off him rocked me so hard I felt like I had whiplash, so I stayed away from him.

Afraid he’d read me out loud.

Then there was Cassian who also kept a watchful eye on me. After Tai cut her cake, opened her gifts, and asked me to do a few TikTok dances for her followers, I was walking back around the house to my car. With each passing second of the sun setting, I felt my mask starting to slip.

“Wait up.”

Shit.

Closing my eyes, I begged my tears to stay hidden just a little bit longer. Turning to face Cassian, I grinned. It was my last smile of the day and he got it. “What’s up?”

Seconds that felt like minutes passed with him staring down at me. As much as I wanted to laugh at him with this ice cream cone painted on his face, the seriousness in his eyes scared me. Did he see the real me? Could he see my pain? Could he see the residue of Elgin’s attack on my skin?

“You like the W Hotel right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I booked you the presidential suite for the weekend. Get away from here. Clear your mind. I know you’re not used to a lot of the shit that popped off this summer so regroup on my dime.” His eyes narrowed. “But you better call me if you need me.”

“Thank you.” On the inside, my mind interpreted his whole speech as ‘you’re polluting our space with your dirtiness. This is our family and you don’t belong here. We don’t want you here so I’m sending you away.’

“London, are you okay?” Any other time he wouldn’t press me so hard but it was all my fault like it normally is.

One drunk night a month before Elgin and his bullshit happened, Cassian and I were sitting out on his back deck drinking and doing voiceovers for his animals on the mini farm next to his house. It was the corniest thing ever but hearing him pretend to be the goat and what the goat would say to the chickens was funny as hell.

Kidneys full of liquor, I drunkenly told him about one of my most traumatic experiences as a kid. The conversation shifted to mothers and we shared our stories. I told him about living in hell that summer in Mississippi and he told me how he kicked his mom into Amell’s piranha pond. Ever since then he’s been concerned about me.

“I’m okay. I’m really okay now that I have a weekend at the W Hotel on the beach.” I giggled to make it all sound real.

If I had said no he’d question me. If I said yes he’d bid me farewell like he was doing now. Going back inside to continue partying with his family while I cried my way down A1A towards the beach. I didn’t even stop at my house to grab clothes or anything.

Nothing I needed was there.

After checking in, I stripped off my clothes and shoes. Turned the tv on and went straight to the Pandora music channel. Volume high as it would go, I drowned out my sorrows until the voices became louder than the music. In my apartment back in New York I have many mirrors. What can I say, I like looking at myself. Now, in the bathroom looking at my reflection in the mirror, I wanted to break it.

“All this pretty hair. I love your hair down. Wear it down for me whenever I see you, my dear.”

Shuttering with tears running down my face, I saw him. Saw Elgin standing behind me stroking my hair as he had done that night. Stroking and pulling on my hair. Trembling hands pulled open the cosmetic drawer and took out the scissors. Since my mind wanted to continue tormenting me by replaying his words then I was going to cut my hair until it no longer had a reason to speak to me. Until the visions of him stopped appearing.

A sink full of my armpit length hair and a head of two-to-three-inch hair later, it still did nothing to soothe the pain. Those voices were only getting louder. Thinking liquor would make me drunk to ignore them, I ordered a few bottles. The concierge service looked frightened when I opened the door in my lace underwear set and chopped hair. I kindly tipped him well and took half of the first bottle of tequila to the head.

I still wasn’t numb enough.

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