Page 3 of Lost In London

Then my mind went back further to that time in Mississippi at my Aunt Jackie’s house, my older cousin Orlando wanted to play house. I never knew anything about hunching cousins until him. There were nights I laid in that small ass room praying for my parents to save me, for Landon to save me but no one came. Orlando would come into my room and beg to touch me here, touch me there. Even propositioned to do it while I slept because in his mind it wouldn’t hurt.

Unable to handle the weight of the pain growing in my chest, I pulled over on the side of the dirt road. Ran out of my car, dropped to my knees in the dirt, and puked up years and years of manipulation and abuse. Cried and puked over and over until my throat was past raw, blood was now mixed in the chunks of my puke.

Why were all of these memories uprooting themselves now?

Why did I have to relieve that pain and trauma all over again?

I’ve gone on living my life like none of it happened. Ignoring my therapist years ago when she told me I was dealing with hypersexuality because of all the sexual abuse I’ve endured starting in my adolescent years. However, that was the sexual part of my life. What about mental and physical abuse?

My body shook in rage and defeat as I screamed, “Why did you do this to me? Why did you let him hurt me? Why do you keep letting people hurt me?” Rocked with hard sobs that curved me into a ball, not caring about my designer clothes and shoes getting dirty, I wept from the depths of my broken soul.

My body trembled in such violent shakes it was like my attackers were hitting me all at once.

That’s what those memories felt like.

A violent attack over and over again. But what I didn’t understand is why God would allow Elgin to hurt me after I changed. After I vowed and repented for all of my sins - past, present, and unknown. My vow of celibacy was to wait and honor God since I was never taught the real sacredness of my womanhood by my parents. I promised to stop searching for love and let it find me.

I changed.

I didn’t lie with my vows.

I even created my own altar and had a ceremony of renewing myself.

Was that not good enough?

Am I not good enough?

“Is this… is this all I am to you? A punching bag for your entertainment. Do you find joy in my misery? Did you create me just so you can laugh at my tears?” I didn’t cry this hard when Elgin dropped me off at my car like I was yesterday's trash on the side of the road.

No answers came.

No loud thundering voice like that night.

Complete silence.

God had deserted me. He didn’t love me like he loved other people.

By the time I stood and dusted myself off and used some wet napkins I kept in my glove compartment to clean up, I was back to being flawless London. Reapplied my makeup, combed my hair, and plastered on that smile that would win me an Oscar for best performance of pretending.

“Lolo, look at all my presents.” Rushing me as soon as I stepped into Cassian’s backyard, Tai’s young mind didn’t understand the heels on my feet weren’t meant for walking through wet grass, stepping over pool toys, and speed walking behind her to keep up.

“About time.” Face painted along with the other kids, Cassian handed me a Mohana party hat.

“Is that an ice cream cone painted on your face?” I leaned in to get a better look but knowing him it was.

Smiling big and wide, he nodded. “I’m Gucci Man. Burr.” This fool.

“Lolo, come here this second.” Tai and her demanding sassiness were the medicine the doctor ordered.

Before I could make it over to where she tapped her impatient little foot, her father stopped me. Eyes narrowing, he looked me up and down. “Why are your eyes red? You good?”

No, I wasn't good.

I felt like I was dying a slow death.

Looking around his massive backyard, taking in all the Kalmin’s laughter and having a good time, I swallowed the truth and kept my mask in place. Pity wasn’t anything I wanted right now. Truthfully, I didn’t know what I needed other than for the bullets of pain to stop riddling my body.

“I’m good. I got my lashes done so my eyes are still adjusting.” Now that part wasn’t a lie. I indeed did get my lashes done right before I went to see Elgin.

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