Page 47 of Of Gods and Pain

“Enough,” his sharp voice rings through my ears, and I falter at the tone. My hesitance is enough for him to drag me through the front door without a fight. As soon as we’re outside, he lets me go and I whirl on him and push his chest hard.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Emrys?”

He takes one step so our chests touch, and I have to look up slightly to meet his eyes that are seeping with rage. “I think I’m the only one here saving you from yourself. Prince over there,” he throws an arm in Cas’s direction, who’s leaning against the wall watching us with concern, “wasn’t going to stop you. You most certainly weren’t going to stop yourself until that idiot’s face was unrecognizable. And as hot as fuck as that is, I will not let you do that to yourself.”

So many things are going through my head and body that I can’t decide what I’m actually feeling. So I stick to the most prominent: anger.

“And who gave you the right to decide what I can or cannot do? Huh? Because as far as I'm concerned, that makes you no better than Andras.” I know it’s a low blow. I know I’m going to regret saying it, but I can’t stop myself. He rears back, eyes widening for a moment before he doubles down on the fight.

He grabs my shoulders, as if he’s trying to make a point to a stubborn child. Does he not listen? Before I can talk myself out of it, my hand closes around his throat and heaves him up against the damp, brick wall. He attempts to get free, trying to push me off, or release my grip, but neither work. I smirk at his frustration. He’s clearly forgotten just how strong I am; I have, too, because even I’m shocked at my unwavering hold.

I cut him off when he opens his mouth to speak. “No. You don’t get to talk to me. You don’t get to touch me. You don’t get to tell me what to do. You are not my keeper, Emrys. You’d do well to remember that.”

“Nell,” Casmir pleads, but I shoot him a look that says 'stop talking or you’re next.' His shoulders slump; he’s definitely conflicted about what to do here. I know I must look crazy to them. I understand they think I’m going off the rails, but that does not give them the right.

I’m suddenly so tired and have no will left to continue arguing. I release the seething male in front of me and turn to walk down an alley, calling to my essence to cover myself. I close off the bond because I just need to be alone and can’t deal with them following me right now.

“You’re a fucking coward, Anellah!” My steps falter at Emrys’s words. A sob breaks from me as Casmir comforts Em, leading him back to the castle.

As soon as they’re far enough away, I slump against the wall and allow myself to shed the tears that have been building for decades. I’m uncontrollably heaving, feeling so out of body that there’s no way I can calm myself this time.

Eventually I vomit from the force of everything and lose myself to the night, wandering with no path. Buildings and fae slide around me as I stumble down road after road.

Why me? Why did all of this have to happen to me? Am I really such a horrible god? Such a disappointment that fate decided this is the best punishment?

The emptiness in my chest cracks and seeps through the rest of my trembling body, engulfing me in a black hole of nothingness.

Fuck, the numbness is better than this. This is too much.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Emrys

You’re a fucking coward, Anellah!

If the sun doesn’t get out of my eyes, I’m going to rip it right out of the fucking sky. I throw my pillow at the window with enough strength that it gives a heady thump before plopping to the floor. My eyes scrunch closed as I try to find some semblance of balance in my world; nothing feels right, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I fucked up last night. I really, really fucked up.

Nell was having a hard time, and I let my selfish emotions take over instead of trying to be understanding like Casmir was. Seeing her touch that female and throw it in our faces, only to nearly kill the idiot male who taunted her. Honestly, I would have knocked his head right off his stubby body if I wasn’t so focused on trying to keep her from doing something she’d regret.

And then she gets mad at me? For helping? Fuck, I knew she was strong, but she had me completely at her mercy against that wall. I mean…I wouldn’t mind if she took control in other situations, but she’s never used force like that on Cas or me.

I was scared.

But not for me. For her.

She’s devastating on the worst of days, but last night there was an entirely different aura emanating off her. She truly looked like a goddess in that moment. The fury pouring off her skin and the emptiness in her eyes…fucking gods. I thought she would tear the city down just to prove a point.

And I would have gladly helped her.

What does that make me? A selfish bastard whose only focus is his bond. There’s so much more that needs to be done, to prepare for; we've found nothing about Breoqan, as Nell called it, and that really fucking worries me. She hasn’t told us what it means, or why we’re looking for information on it. But it’s clear that it’s an important part of what Andras plans to do, and I don’t think he’s going to wait for us to be mentally prepared for his attack. Yet I’m laying in bed, thinking only of her, and not the war on the horizon.

She’s spiraling. I’ve been through it many times; I helped Cas through it when his mother got sick, and when he first became prince. He wasn’t prepared to take the title so soon, and it was a lot for his parents to throw at him; of course he didn’t let it show to anyone but me, always needing to be the perfect male that everyone can look up to and count on. He struggled badly, and I did everything I could for him, just as he did for me when I was finally ready to confront my past.

I don’t know how to help her, though, and it’s killing me. I can’t even think about what she went through without heaving up the contents of my stomach; so I do not understand how she’s feeling. Even with my past, I can’t claim to know any of it. I mean, fuck, when she jumped through the waterfall and off the mountain, I felt the realm’s axis shift.

I was no longer Emrys, bad tempered captain of the Anlorian army, and best friend of the prince, who makes questionable decisions frequently.

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