Page 24 of Of Gods and Pain

Wine. I need more wine.

The memory slithers through my awareness, and the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I turn my head towards Em, who’s watching me with a defeated expression. He glances at my lips so quickly I’m sure I imagined it.

Was he remembering the same thing?

My heart is so loud it could rival the waterfall just outside. I…don’t know how to deal with these feelings. They’ve been shoved down repeatedly; somewhere so deep, it would take a miracle to find them all.

Acknowledging this is terrifying. And it's the wrong time.

Em’s gaze leaves mine as he moves to stand. Without thinking, I reach out to grab his arm. I nearly jerk my hand back at the temperature of his skin, but I hold tightly, fearing he’ll leave if I don’t.

He raises an eyebrow at me and I sputter, my mouth opening and closing twice before staying shut. My brows furrow…what the fuck was I planning to say? The water warms around my calves and my eyes snap back to Em’s. My breath hitches at the raw emotion pouring from him; so many things leaving his gaze that I could drown.

He shifts, and it’s just now that I notice how close our bodies are. Our knees almost touch, and I can taste the colors of his soul that he’s sharing with me. It’s like running my tongue along rough stone that’s basked in the sun for hours. How does he live with this?

Heat crawls up my spine, wrapping around my throat, effectively silencing me. He leans forward slightly; so small of a movement that I wouldn’t have noticed if I wasn’t watching him so intensely.

Maybe…this is okay?

Before I can think of the consequences, I close the distance between us and press my mouth to his. His lips are silky; they envelop mine like that’s what they were created to do. His rich taste sparks every doubt I had, tossing them from my inner well of too-many worries. The pool’s heat is reaching unbearable levels, but I won’t care if it does.

I’m dizzy everywhere. It reaches my stomach, contorting it until I’m sure it’s a new organ. I’ve only ever felt like this with one other…

I jerk away, eyes wide and breathing hard. Em looks as stunned as I feel.

“Em—I—” There’s nothing I can say. He nods, pursing his lips and stands to leave. I let him go this time.

“Shit.” What did I just do?

Do you love her?

And Emrys?

Chapter Eleven

Emrys

Fragmented thoughts stare back at me as I attempt to organize them. It feels like every single thing in my life is splintering…dragging me along unwillingly, and creating bruises that only my soul sees.

Casmir kissed me. Kissed me.

I left before I started saying things I would regret. He didn’t really want to kiss me. That’s absurd. He’s feeling sad and lonely, looking for companionship in the only other being who knows what he’s going through.

I mean, fuck, we have a piece of each other’s souls. Of course we’d feel connections that do not make sense, but they don’t actually mean it’s what we want. Right?

I scrub my hands over my face roughly, pressing my palms into my eyes. How can I live with myself? Nell is across the Veil, having things done to her that I couldn’t dream up in my worst nightmares. And yet I’m here, sitting on the tile of my bathroom, thinking about a fucking kiss between Cas and me.

I don’t deserve her. But I need her.

I am so fucking sick of only being able to think of ways we can’t help her instead of just actually doing something. This repulsive cycle of going over all our ideas again, then sulking alone when we re-convince ourselves they won’t work.

How fucking useless can I be?

I’m stuck. I’m a tired soul living in a damaged shell. I want nothing to do with anyone…I haven’t visited the army camps, checked in with the city guard, or even had more than a few words with the castle guard. That’s my job. They look to me for leadership; but the only thing I’m leading is my way back into the shadows.

They call to me like an old friend. Showcasing their comforting tendrils of darkness; inviting me in to be caressed in every way I crave. Giving myself over to them is tempting. But I can’t.

I have too many people relying on me, hoping I’ll have the answers they can’t find. My soul bond is out there, waiting to be rescued. Her mini bond—well, not so mini sometimes—has barely left Nell’s room. She needs me, too. Cas needs his best friend and second in command. I need to pull it together and be strong for them.

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